Where do babies come from?

You know the fact that I minored in human sexuality you would think I knew the answer to this. I’m sorry to say I really don’t know.
I know the science behind it.
a woman releases an egg and the man’s sperm fertilizes it.
But well for once science and know how is failing me. It took us 10 months to conceive lil one. And that month we only had sex twice. Up until now I thought it was because I was on depo
shot form of birth control and with depo it can take a year for you to get it out of your system. I’m not so sure anymore. It’s been three months and today I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. It’s 4 days til my period and I’m cramping… Which for me is a part of my PMS. And I’m bloated, all tell tell signs that my period will be starting. I’m pretty sure ill have an anxiety attach today of tomorrow and Monday ill see my aunt.
I know you are saying that if I know an anxiety attack is coming I should be able to stop it, not true I’m pretty sure mine are hormone induced and I really don’t know how to prevent that.
The funny thing is I pride myself in preventing pregnancy. I’m very vocal about a woman having the right to choose when she wants kids. I’m loud to any teen who will listen about the importance of SAFE sex. Yet when I decide I’m ready for my next kid the universe laughs and says NO. I just don’t get it. Statistics say unless you have fertility issues you should get pregnant within 3 months. HA there I go defying yet another statistic. My hubs says “It will happen when it does, don’t think about it, just have fun!”
And believe me, I am having fun. The sex has been AMAZING! And it’s even fun trying to sneak and do it without lil one interrupting us. But how do I not think about it? It’s easy for him, he has no idea when my period is until he sees tampon wrappers. But I know. I know my body I mean I’m a girl. It’s been ingrained in me since I first started at the ripe age of 14 to know when my period is. There is just too much we as girls/women have to consider to not know when our periods are. Plus I’m the one going through PMS to know when I’m not pregnant. So the “forget it” mind frame when you are trying is not an option.
Add this with the fact that EVERYONE around me both in cyber world and real life are pregnant rather they were trying or not is a REAL downer. I can’t help but look at them longingly. Wishing hoping praying that will be me soon. Now I haven’t went crazy like last time. I’m not taking my temp, or buying ovulation predictors.

Maybe I should?

Ugh I want so bad to have another baby. It’s time. Lil one was not meant to be an only child. He plays so well with other babies. He’s so gentle and sweet.
I want him to have siblings. My siblings are my best friends and he I want him to have that.
Ugh this is so depressing. Each month my balloon is deflated. I’m just… I don’t know?
Hubs listed last night all the things I’m good at during a conversation about me taking over teaching Sunday school
“You’re very good with kids, especially special needs kids. When God made you that was your skill. Me, I got spread sheets, you got kids, making them too.”

He got one thing wrong. Apparently I’m not good at making kids.

So here is to next month?

Mother’s Day part 2

This Mother’s Day was the complete opposite for me. I feel like last year I was really foolish I just didn’t get it. PPD robbed me last year of seeing the big picture. Which saddens me. Because I’m not that person. I don’t usually think like that, but that’s the life of having a mental illness. I read my post from last year and could only shake my head. I was in a bad place, and didn’t even see it. Being in that place took the joy of the day away. But there are no regrets just lessons learned.
This year I stayed away from most of the triggers and that turn out was SO much better.
Our financial situation hasn’t changed. We are still broke, and the lil money we did have I used on other’s Mother’s Day presents. Leaving my husband again with nothing.
And even though I felt that anger build up in me I pushed it away. It would not rob me this year!! My sweet boy made me a picture for Mother’s Day. And even if it was the work of a 2 y/o for some reason it was just wonderful. I absolutely LOVED it. My hubs spoiled me. No I didn’t have a spa day at some fancy place.. But what I got was better than anything he could have gotten me. He gave…

me a day off.

Do you know how grand that is?!!

My poor hubs told me..

do you know how creative, how wonderful I could make Mother’s Day if we had money? Just $100 even?

But what he doesn’t get is that he DID Make Mother’s Day wonderful! Having a day to lay on the couch and read, watch t.v. And nap is a mom’s dream come true!! And I realize that this year. I didn’t have to think about what lunch was or dinner. I didn’t have to clean up that mess. When lil one wanted something I didn’t have to get it. I didn’t really have to discipline him. Oh and the nap let me tell you.
I stare longingly at the couch wishing I was spread on it and could be their for hours.
Mother’s Day I got to do just that. Perfect!

Dinner was YUMMY! Best part was I didn’t have to do the dishes!!
Y’all I even got some rocking parent sex! And though I did share part of my bath time with lil one. This chic didnt have to cut it short to get him dressed

SCORE!

This was a Killer Mother’s Day! I am so very appreciative of my husband for giving me this day. He is truly my angel!
I felt so celebrated and loved that if I would have gotten something it wouldn’t have compared to the rest.
For my darling hubs please know that this was THE best day I could have ever asked for. Thank you so much for making it happen. I am so much more in love with you.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you were celebrated and love like I was.

Bringing in life part 2

So they are keeping me.. Ok that’s fine his due date is tomorrow.. Right on time.
They put me in a wheel chair and wheel me to their laboring rooms which I might say are awesome!
I get out of the chair.. Ewww. That’s kinda gross!
no one told me that even after your water breaks, that you still leak.
Ok remember remember what we learned in birthing class, cause crap here comes another contraction… Im breathing I’m moving. DAMN these hurt a heck of a lot more with out any fluid
Nurse starts hooking me up to machines. She checks me I’m 4cm cool cool. Ok let’s get out the birthing ball I think that might help.
“…. You can have the ball but you gotta stay hooked up.”

…ok that’s fine I can still make this work. But let’s get it in here cause I need it. I get on the birthing ball start rocking/Rolling yeah that feels good. Moving = less pain yeah I got this. Nurse comes back in..
“Every time you move the monitor comes off and we can’t get a reading”
“Ok, but I need to move. That’s how I deal with the pain.”
“Hospital policy says that because you had meconium you have to be monitored.”
“Ok.. For how long, cause I really need to move.”
“Until the baby is born.”
….. I look at my hubs, back at the nurse, back at hubs. Crap another contraction, well let’s see if I can “not move” through this. I’m breathing breathing… Shit shit shit I can’t sit still
“Honey she’s tellin me I can’t move and dang it I have to move rock through this pain.”
“I know sweetie what do you want to do”
My hubs said he was thinking crap too. This isn’t what we learned.

I looked back at the nurse. “Well damn it if I have to sit here because of policy then you might as well give me an epi.”
“Are you sure?”
“Look hold on I’m having a contraction.”
I wasn’t sure of anything. Hubs and I wanted to see how long I could go without any meds. We weren’t against it, but we wanted a shot at trying. The only thing I was sure of at that time was that the contractions hurt like hell, and the only thing that took an edge off was to rock. And the nurse is telling me that I can’t move.
So there goes that shot, give me the dang epi.
“We are gonna call the anesthesiologist. He should be here in a couple mins.”
Yeah a couple of mins my behind. That fool took 20 mins. Do you know how hard it is to go through contractions and you aren’t aloud to use your pain management skill?!!
He finally gets here, clears out the room, and suites up. I sign my life away and sit at the edge of the bed crunched over my baby.
1. This is not comfortable
2. I’m still contracting
3. I HATE needles
But I do my best to hold still.
“You’re gonna feel a small prick feels like a bee sting” he says.
Who the heck thought that, that analogy was a good one needs to be stung by a bee. Cause I’ve been stung and that ain’t no walk in the park.
The “bee sting” happens, and now he’s gonna place this LONG needle in my back.. He sticks it in… Holy cow my leg is buzzing…. Now twitching,
“Sorry mam wrong spot..”
Yah think? Bone head. And I’m still to remain perfectly still while this dude misses and I’m contracting. This is SO not how I thought any of this would happen. Ok he’s gonna try again. He sticks the LONG needle back in…….

Part 3 to come soon..

My past just drove away

Just a quick blurb before I try and catch a nap. But my sweet sweet Sherman has rolled away and it’s bitter sweet. Sherman and I have been so many places. We went to Canada twice. And I’m SO in love with Canada. Sherman was my freedom. He took me away from my nightmare and brought me to light. He brought me to the beautiful life I have today. Sherman made it possible for my hubs and I to make it.

Who is Sherman? Sherman was my first car. I had him since I was 18. He is was a 98 ford escort lx. He was base model. He didn’t have ac, and it gets crazy hot here. But no ac. It wasn’t broken, just didnt come with it. He didnt have a CD player or a cassette player. He was a 5 speed. I learned my love for sticks through him. His back defrost didnt work and he slid when we went over a drop of water. But he was MY car. I got him at a car auction. I worked my BEHIND off to buy this car. He wasn’t a grand car, but he was MY car.
He was old though. Every time I went over a big bump I would check my mirror to see if anything fell off. But he was MY Car!
It was so hard to watch him drive off today. He’s on his way to a junk yard. I feel like betrayed him. I know that he is an object but I worked SO hard to get him, and I was so proud of myself. Hopefully after this nap I will feel better.
I’m gonna miss you Sherman. I will remember all the places we have gone.

Thank you

away he goes

Imagine the way

pure imagination
Growing up I can remember the imagination I had. It was so much fun! Now a days my imagination just gets me into trouble with worry but I guess that’s a part of growing up.
The cool thing is that my lil one has entered the imagination stage and it’s so much fun to watch and participate in. I’ve never lost my imagination. It’s how I come up with ideas for dinner, or crafts or school. I love it. I’m excited I get to bring it out of hiding.
Here is one of the things we did. I set up his Thomas carry set for the trains and had his cars go on the real train track. We also got out his Dino’s and we used them in our play.

Yes that box is a make shift tunnel I made for him. But it’s not just all “boy” play around here we encourage him to play with whatever his heart desires. The cool part… My hubs is on board.

He’s playing dress up in my clothes. I love it!
Have you seen dateline NBC’s what would you do?
Well here’s a clip from it from HLN
Barbie for a boy?
My hubs would totally buy it and I think that rocks!
I think it’s SO important that he explores all areas of imagination. The world doesn’t become so untouchable with a great imagination. We may not be able to take him places or show him everything, but because our imagination is SO grand, we can still provide him all the things he could ever ask for.
I don’t mind that he watches TV, or plays video games. I know what he’s watching and playing. All of which are educational. Besides lord knows I did my fair share of that growing up and I think I turned out pretty well. The thing is, our technology wasn’t as grand as it is now, so we still had to come up with things to entertain us. When I was young my friend and I were Olympic ice skaters and we got all dressed up and roller skated in the court, and we beat DeeDee and Luka everytime our imaginary competitors. Or we were on the gymnastics team and did our floor routine in the front yard. With string we tied to the grass in the shape of a huge square. yes DeeDee and Luka lost.
Now thinking about it, because of my very imaginative generation why we have this technology.
It’s not all book smarts, someone had to Imagine it first.
I want my son to have that kind of imagination, so far he’s on the right track. But unlike my parents I’ll be right there with him, encouraging and imagining every step of the way.
What cool things did you do when you were younger?

Fulfilled my quota?

I should start off and say this is an email to my paster. I’m still new to this believing thing and I have lots of questions. I appreciate any help you can provide too.
Hi,
Any who I had a question I needed some guidance on.
My question is can you ever ask too much from God? I know he’s not a wish granter, but these past two weeks I feel like I’ve been praying for an awful lot. And it’s taken a little time but those things have came through. And yes I’ve had a LOT of thank you prayers in there too.
But the one thing I truly need his help with, is the one thing that is truly all in his hands. Not that everything isn’t in his hands, just this one thing is,we did our part it is truly up to him now. I’m worried may not happen.
Yes I’m an anxiety filled worry wart. It’s in my nature. I wake up and go to bed fretting about something.
I guess I haven’t asked my question…
Sorry
Question is can you ask TOO much of God? Is there an I filled my quota I need to give it a break? There are so many more important things in the world that are going on that I’m sure needs the lords attention, I feel like he’s fulfilled my needs he needs to be concentrating on the things that really need his attention and not my small needs. I’m not dying, my family is doing pretty ok, we have food and a roof over our heads what more is there?
It’s just this one thing is a HUGE deal that I really want to pray to him about.

I don’t know can you help me get on the right path with this

Thank you

Mommy

Sick of Me

Ok it’s late but I gotta get this out. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning but right now I am SO SICK OF MYSELF! I’m sick of my emotions and my brain.
So here’s the run down. Lil one fell asleep early. I started getting the lesson ready for tomorrow. Then at midnight he woke up. He woke up to play like he just took a nap or something. So I made him go back to bed. I go down stairs to finish with cleaning the kitchen and start the dish washer and hear hubs putting him back to bed.
Cool right, I’m thinking if he’s in bed I’m gonna get in MY bed catch up on some FB and Twitter, and hopefully fall asleep reading blogs.

wrong!!

Here comes hubs getting in bed poking and touching wanting some..hello I’m so not in the mood it’s not even funny.

“Well, I just thought since we were playing earlier today and it was such a good day that you know we could finish it off with a little night cap..”
Not what I had in plan hubs. I just want to lay in bed, relax and hopefully make it to bed early.. And of course hubs wasn’t happy with that..
” I knew I should have just finished myself off in the shower.. Twitter is all you’re thinking about.”
Well yes hubs, I just got done getting everything done and I really just want to be left alone. It doesn’t mean, however, that twitter is more important than you.
“I guess I’ll just roll over and go to sleep so my blue balls won’t hurt”
What any other person would do is say “ok goodnight.” But me… Nooo.. I’m left feeling bad because he thought he was getting some and because he has blue balls. I’m stuck wrestling with rather I should give him some and how he feels if I don’t. I mean why should I care? If I’m not in the mood I’m not in the mood. Right

wrong
No I care enough to almost give him what he wants, even if I don’t want it because I feel bad.

what the hell is wrong with me?

And then there is my son.. He wants me to sleep in his room with him, but I don’t want to sleep in there. He’s old enough that he should be sleeping in there without me.. But when he cries about it I get weak. No I don’t usually give into things when he cries, but at bed time that’s a different story.
go ahead tell me that’s a bad thing to do, how me giving in is only causing more issues, that I should be firm with him in the day and night yeah I know all that, but when you’re tired, you’ll do anything to get him sleep.
I feel bad because he’s sad and I don’t want him going to sleep that way.
Ugh I’m just so sick of myself feeling so bad about these things. If I want to chill before I go to bed I shouldn’t feel bad about trying to make that happen, but I do because I don’t want others to be upset, mad, or sad because of me.

And as if on cue lil one is up calling me.

Lord give me strength to just put him back in bed and that be the end of it.

*update two days later hubs got some rockin Birthday Sex. It was worth his wait*

No more

I just can’t anymore. I’m having issues this week with everything going on. It’s just crazy, and I can’t take it right now. I’ve been avoiding twitter and the news lately with the bombings that happened. I learned in December when those poor kids were killed that I’m not the same person I was when 9/11 and Columbine happened. My emotions are far more fragile since then. My anxiety and OCD goes into overdrive when I see these things. And that’s not good for my sanity or my families.
So I’ve made sure I stayed off anything that’s is talking about it. Which has been good so far. I’ve been keeping myself busy with cooking, gardening, and my lil one. So far so good right?

then I turned them back on..

I wanted to catch up with my twitter line. I wanted to see how my tweeps where doing I miss them…

Fertilizer plant explosion

Sigh…..

lady shot in the head while riding a bus

Sigh…

They do say ignorance is bliss, but that’s just not how I operate. I like to be up to date with the happenings in the world. I love learning about others and places and things. But lately I’m finding it too hard. My nerves run very thin.
How is one suppose to keep up with the world when the world is such a trigger for her right now?
And to tell you the truth I feel small in it all. I hate to see innocent people suffer. I’m a huge advocate for love. And there is nothing I could do to help anyone in these circumstances. All I can do is sit like the rest of the world and pray for a good out come in it all.
is that enough?
Being busy during the day is all fine and dandy, but then night comes. Busy becomes calm and quiet. My brain goes into hyper drive. Those poor people… All they wanted to do was race, and watch..
Why?
(Tears)

To all those who were hurt and who have died from a senseless act my prayers and thought are with you.

The next big blogger

On twitter lately I’ve been seeing a few of my friends…. Ok most of my friends talk about VOTY. Now I will admit until 2 mins ago I had NO idea what the heck that was. It wasn’t until I read @agreatersafty post that I really figured it out. And her post is what prompted this ramble. And yes go check it out its pretty good!
I needed more than 140 characters to get this out of my head so I could go to bed.
VOTY which if you are out of the loop like I am stands for Voice of The Year. It’s a blogher thing where bloggers summit, or others summit posts you did for a contest?
please feel free to correct me
You know just when I think I get this whole blog thing and I’m part of the “in crowd” things like VOTY come along and let’s me know just where I fit in. I feel like I’m in high school again with the blog world, and my high school experience wasn’t one I want to repeat.
Yup I was an outsider. But well that’s perfectly fine with me. Unlike that outsider then, I KNOW who I am today, and I LOVE the me that I am. This me is telling that awkward me that still hides deep down that you know it’s kinda cool to be on the outside. You still rock!!
I started blogging because of having PPD. I read a few awesome posts of people talking about what they are going through with PPD and it just jumped out at me. Like this is something I too can do to possibly help me through this. No I’m not healed yet, but being able to just ramble somewhere about how I’m feeling is great. I work through anxiety attacks here, I’m free just to say whatever I need to say and get it out of my head. For me that’s HUGE!!
Now I totally admit that knowing people read this makes me feel good, but I’m sorry, it’s really about me. And helping others. I’m a cancer it’s just something about helping people that’s appealing to me.
When I first was going through PPD it was reading about others experiencing the same thing that helped me. And now that we are embarking on homesteading and homeschooling I read those posts too. They all are helping me through my journey so I hope I’m returning that same favor in my blogging. And it’s just nice to get things written down. My hubs has a horrible memory, and my grandma has Alzheimer’s so I know how important it is to have things written.
I know I’m never going to be a blogger great, and probably never really be part of the blogher in crowd. Yesterday it was 1 million words (something like that) today it’s VOTY who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I’m gonna keep on writing not worrying about that crowd, because hey it’s not so bad as an outsider.

Umm…. Really? What?

Ok now y’all know I don’t talk about others parenting style cause lord knows we do things against the grain here, but man oh man I gotta tell you something cause I’m still in shock over the whole situation.
Lil one and I went to the play area at the mall. Spring break is over so it’s back to normal. No big kids not crowded just us moms with toddlers and younger. HAPPY HAPPY!

Anywho lil one was playing with the other kids and I was doing my normal: you know small talk with other moms with an occasional

go the up way not down way

or

nice touches, hands to yourself

banter with lil one.
Another mom came up to me and asked me if I knew who a crying lil girls mom was.
I said no I thought she belonged to a gentle man who was picking up his baby.
But he said she wasn’t his. So the mom went to the store to ask them to call security. While she did that another mom and I calmed the kid down and asked her what her mom looked like.
red hair, short, white
So I started looking for her mom, asking anyone who looked like that if they were missing a kid.
Mean while the security officer came and was asking questions.
Also an employee from Jack N Jane was saying oh this isn’t the first time she’s seen this.
???
As she’s saying this I happen to look up I see a lady who matches the description walk by. I catch her and ask her if she’s looking for her daughter.
Her reply

No why? Is she crying?

????
????
Yeah she’s crying. So the lady comes to the play area evil eyes me and the other mom, then snatches up her child and walks away.
SHE LEFT HER KID who I think was maybe 5 IN THE PLAY AREA WHILE SHE WAS SHOPPING!!
I mean are you serious?!! And had the nerve to have attitude with all the rest of us who were concerned about HER child.
I’m still shocked! The employee says it happens all time, but really? In this world. And y’all I wasn’t at no run down mall, I was at the foo foo mall with the expensive stores! I just… Still at a loss. I mean who does that?
Can someone please help me out on this one?