This illness can go now

Spiraling spiraling out of control when it will stop I really don’t know.

I AM SO SICK OF HAVING PPD!

It should be over with, shouldn’t it? Am I going to have this for the rest of my life? Will I go back to the time before this?

Ahhhhh

This has been a good day. Zoo trip with the lil one. Good dinner. Great! Besides loosing lil ones hat. I kick myself because it was nice hat. And expensive for us. I know not for others but for us it was.

So why this darn anxiety attack? I hate it!! Lil one screamed at me and there it went off like a rocket. My heart started pounding, and I couldn’t breath. I could feel it in my throat ready to burst. Will this be the time I can’t hold it in?

I take big deep breaths. “think happy thoughts happy thoughts and a smile will come back to you.” I sing this song in my head over and over. Please let me get through this. I know it sounds stupid, some little Yo Gabba Gabba song, but it’s all I have to get me through.

Yo Gabba best I could find sorry

Man it’s gone. The worst part is the feeling of numbness I have. Lil one lays on me while I’m at my peak and I feel nothing for him. Makes me feel worse.

Now it’s done but I’m at my low. Feeling of sadness is all I have. I keep flashing to all the bad things that happened tonight. I want to cry but I can’t lil one is here must hold it in.

Is this night over with. I want to go to sleep! My knee, leg, and hip hurts from all the walking today. And I just want to sleep. Can’t must stay awake. You’re a mommy and lil one is still awake.

So I write

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