So today is Mother’s Day and well this has been a tough one for me. I’ve been down today. It’s been a build up over the last few days coming and I tried to shake it, I just couldn’t.
Between having PPD and being broke it just all hit me.
I knew that leaving the work field to be at home with my lil one would mean for much much tighter purse strings but really. I pretty much ended up spending all of our money for the week on others mother’s days gifts, leaving none left for me. Hubs couldn’t even cook me a great dinner.
So I got down. To tell you the truth I moped. I blamed my hubs for it and it wasn’t even his fault. Sorry babe. I wouldn’t let him do anything for me. And he tried. But I’m just lucky that I have a very stubborn man like that.
The PPD set in this morning with the lack of sleep and the realization that I wasn’t getting anything for Mother’s day.
Am I not a worthy enough mother?
Am I a bad mother?
Did anyone even remember I am a mother?
These are the thought that circulated through my head. Bringing me further and further down. Church was a very good service. We talked about love. And that’s all that matters is love all he wants you to do is love.
I have love, I love everyone (one of my biggest faults sometimes) but the question that i had was am I loved?
Hubs and I scrapped up enough change that we could buy ground turkey, onions, and potatoes. I was the lucky one to run in the store and get everything (hubs is ashamed of paying with coins) so I walk in and everyone is buying flowers for some mom.
Look at them, wish I was lucky enough to just get a carnation.
We came home and I had enough I was on emotion over load, nap time.
Woke up and hubs had managed to make two loaves of bread and was prepping dinner.
Ok it wasn’t a gourmet dinner, turkey burgers and fries, but hey I didn’t have to cook. Or clean. Lil one fell asleep for a nap and all I could do was cry when I looked at him.
What is wrong with me?
Now I’m relaxing in the tub without toys, or a lil one, listening to hubs do everything in his power to keep lil one entertained so I can enjoy this.
How can I be so stupid? Who cares if I got anything or if anyone else remembers me. My boys did. I am so blessed to be the mother of one smart, happy, loving, funny little boy. Who makes my life so refreshing. I’m the wife to a man who loves me so completely, who would give me the world if he could afford it, but right now would give me the shirt off his back to keep me warm. There is no other present in the world that could ever match that.
So it is a very good mother’s day for me. I hope that all mother’s can have the love, feel the love that I have. Cause in the end just like church said that’s all that matters.
Happy Mother’s Day
A poem my sweet hubs wrote me. He writes great poems and I’m lucky to get one now and again.
Eyes that sparkle, happiness and laughter
Shining Eyes I love
Love, such a simple word
L is for the laughter and light
the lava of passion burns in my soul
O for the Oblivion of my soul next to hers,
I am lost to the passion, lost to the world as I bask in her love
V for the vacuum that exists when we are not together; the cold loneliness of loss when apart. The void filled when together makes me complete
E for the echos of her laughter that I hear when away. The ecstasy and joy when together.
Love is an understatement.