Finding the truth

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When I was pregnant with my lil one I use to watch everything I used. Before I went natural I use to get relaxers for my hair. (Hair straightener) I remember all the research I did to make sure it wouldn’t harm my baby. Even after finding out that it was o.k. and getting one, I still had this nagging thought of what if it really was bad for him. I also remember eating some potato salad, and the person who made it assured me that there was no mayo in it, so there was no worry about the raw egg. So I ate it. Yum! All night I was worried that maybe the sour cream used wasn’t pasteurized. And how it could harm my baby.

Once lil one was born and I was breast feeding I still watched what I ate, in fear that it would harm him in some way. I would suffer through horrible migraines, and try as hard as I could not to take my inhaler even if I really needed it, because of the fear that it would some kind of way get into my milk supply and harm him.

I know baby needs mama to be healthy in order for him to be healthy. At least that is what all the doctors continued to tell me. My OB told me to put mama first and everything will follow. I heard her, and fully understood what she was saying, but each night as I took my PPD pills I couldn’t help but worry: How will this affect my son? What will this do to him? I guess as a mother you always worry about that. How the choices you make are going to affect your children. Hence, all of the “Mommy Wars”.

Well recently I found out that my mother didn’t worry about me. She could care less about what she was using, and how it would hurt me. I was a preemie baby. I weighed 3lbs 10oz. I saw pictures of myself, and I was just this little body with a HUGE head. My older sister said I looked like E.T. and I have to agree. Now my mother said that I was born early because she was playing softball (Don’t ask me why) on a hot day. And I believed her. After having my own baby, I have come to believe that isn’t true. Something else had to of happened. I use to joke that I think I was a crack baby. That’s the only conclusion I had. Well today I have found out that I might just be true.

Now I always knew my mother smoked cigarettes and pot while she was pregnant with me. She did it with all of us. But a person close to my family has confirmed that she was on more than just that while pregnant with me. That, when I was born, I really didn’t look “right”. He can’t pin point what drug it was, but, he is almost sure it was cocaine.

Am I shocked? No not really. My mom has had drug issues all her life. Am I hurt? Yeah, how could she do something like this to me? Did she not love me? Will I ever confront her about this? Probably not. My mother lies. If it doesn’t suit her she will lie about it, and I don’t want to deal with the lies.

What my wish is… That I knew what drug it was. So it could some kind of way help me prevent some kind of side affect in the future. I don’t even know if doctors know the long term affects. I don’t know. I just know that I love my baby and I would never do anything like this to him, or my future babies. I know that knowing the truth now has allowed me to shed some light into the future. If even just a little.

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