The $h!t hit the fan

Ok since I’m up I might as well do something right?
Let’s just say I’m not doing well. So much so that I have finally called the doc and have an appointment for next week.
I have been faking really bad. I have been trying to be the strong one and I just can’t do it any more.
Bring on the tears already. Dang it I feel like a girl
Anyways I have had really really bad insomnia for two weeks straight now. Lil one is sleeping fine, me I’m still up. Till 6 am. U would think I would be tired… Which I guess I am but here I again night 15 3:20 am and I’m up. And you know it’s really starting to affect my ppd. Bad. Like I feel like I did before I was diagnosed. Last week every night I had panic attacks for no darn reason. This week I’m so down in the dumps. I hate to world, and I’m sick of being the nice girl.
Then last night happened. And that’s why I called the doc.
Last night at 5 am still no sleep crazy thoughts popped in my head. Like I’m a horrible mom and lil one needs a different mom because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to be a mother for him. Then I started to become numb to him. And I love him more than life. Then my OCD kicked in.
The curtain isn’t closed right, are the doors locked, where’s the dogs, fix the couch pillows
Do you want to die? What huh where the heck did that come from? No I don’t want to die… Do I? Snap the fuck out of it.
I ran to my hubs and woke him up right after that. Before I continue I just want to say that I have the most amazing husband. Who is so understanding
I told him what was going through my head. It took a while, I was really nervous cause I just don’t ever think like this. He being the incredible man that he is told me everything I needed to hear.
You are an amazing mom. Lil one adores you.
I love you so much please know that. You are needed and wanted. Lil one needs his mommy and I need my wife. And he just held me.
I promised him I would call the doc and I did. I left twitter for most of the day and just hung out with my amazing son and I plan on it again tomorrow ( well today ) going to the beach if I can get some sleep.
Hubs went to his first karate class and I’m so happy for him. It was a childhood dream and all I could think about is he’s gonna make new friends and leave me behind. And now here I am up again. Did I tell u with my ppd I have paranoia? We were at the park walking on a path. Lil one was sleep on my back in the carrier and I had the bigger dog. (lil dog pulled a muscle chasing geese so he’s resting) and I was so on guard. So worried that someone was going to try and hurt us.
Someone please tell me what is happening? I thought that I should be getting better. Right? How am I gonna have another kid if I don’t get better? Is this a forever thing? Can someone please tell me the answers. I thought PPD was a hormone imbalance. Am I wrong? If so shouldn’t I be getting better? It’s been almost 20 months since I had lil one. I guess those are questions I should ask the doc. Which by the way I’m totally nervous about talking to. What if I tell her this and she tries to take my baby? Or they want to lock me up? Can they?


19 thoughts on “The $h!t hit the fan

  1. Despite the way you may feel, your honesty says it all. To say you’re worried is an understatement, but I think you are asking questions because you love your family. I think you’re intentions are in the right place. And I think going to the Dr.’s is the right step. I often have a million questions running through my head when I’m worried. You may want to write them down to ask the Dr., I’ve noticed that writing helps alot. And I’m sure your husband will be glad to lend an ear. Goodluck, things will be fine!

  2. Ive never had a child, or a husband for that matter. But from what I’ve heard, what you’re going through is pretty normal. Ive learned with most things in life when i feel most alone, its then that there are so many other people out there feeling the same exact way. For some reason, i would find comfort in that.
    I don’t know anything about PPD, but i know a good amount about depression in general, as i have fought with it the majority of my life. One thing I’ve learned is that once someone sinks into a depression it is hard to escape because you develop this behavior of having negative thoughts. Self talk has done wonders for me.
    Im sure none of this helped. But either way i wish you the best 🙂

    • Thank you for the kind words. And yes u have helped. I’ve been trying to keep busy with things that make me happy so I can’t think crazy thoughts. And knowing I’m not alone is comforting

  3. I don’t think they would lock you up – unless you were going to hurt lil one. And if you might, wouldn’t you rather they lock you up?

  4. It sounds to me like you have Post Partum OCD…not PPD. I had it after my first child though no one told me all of it was related to my OCD. I had been diagnosed with OCD a long time ago and didn’t realize that all the bad thoughts and questioning and analyzing and wondering what if… was also the OCD. I hope your doctor is helpful. Please ask about the OCD.

    • Hmm that’s something I never considered. I had OCD before lil one. Then was diagnosed with ppd after he was born. Will look more into this and tell doc at the appointment. Thank you!!

  5. Huge hugs momma. You have not acted on those thoughts so they will not put you away or take anyone away from you. You need to tell her everything and get the help you need. Maybe you just need to go back on meds, it if you have been on meds, maybe you just need an increase. Getting help is the best thing to do, don’t be scared. Your doctor will help you and you are beyond awesome for getting the help you need

    • Thank you mama!!! Don’t plan on acting on them. Just never had a thought like that cross my brain freaked me out. I’m on meds lowest dose so we shall see. Thank u sweets

  6. First I just want to say I’ve been there. There is no time limit to the recovery process and even though I knew this, I still wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn’t better yet. I can’t give you answers other than I know how scared (and annoyed) you are. I too have felt the slippery slope lately, wondering if i’m a good enough mom, all but ruling out a second. I’m so pleased to hear you phoned the doctor and that your husband is so incredibly supportive. Try not to be impatient. You will get better. Until then, remember you’re never alone in this.

  7. Sending you hugs & love. You won’t get your little one taken away. What you are experiencing is intrusive thoughts. I am so glad that you reached out to your husband to let him know what was going on. You are doing what you need to get better. You reached out for help, called your doctor & you’re telling your story. Hoping you get some relief from these thoughts. I know how scary & frightening they can be.

  8. The intrusive thoughts can kick in, when you´re really, really tired. Sleeping is so important. Healing from ppd is not a straight line, it goes up and down. For me the bad days usually start with insomnia. Ask your doctor about melatonin, it is a harmless sleep medication. When my ppd was really bad, it was the only way I could sleep. It made a huge difference for my recovery to be able to sleep. And the OCD? Before I was diagnosed, I did nothing but clean the house all day. If I have a bad day it returns. Anyway, how brave of you to write this down and to ask for help.
    And please don’t fake, you don’t have to, you are not alone. You are not. And to speak for myself, you have a friend. Always. Lots of love.

  9. I’m sorry I’m just getting around to this. I suck at commenting.

    I’m even sorrier you’re fighting those intrusive thoughts. I echo what has been said above. PPOCD is characterized by obsessive thoughts (especially intrusive ones) that you *know* are irrational. I struggle with them, too, as you know. They are truly terrifying. I worry constantly about dropping baby down the stairs and the other day I caught myself thinking, “it’s a good thing it’s just PPOCD and I know I don’t need to hide the kitchen knives.” Scared the $hit out of me. Oh and my favorite? I had to run in the house because I forgot my checkbook and I thought, very calmly, “I could just leave them in the car all day and have the house to myself. They’d be safe.” I immediately RAN back out to the car to hug my girls, tight.

    I feel fortunate to know they are irrational thoughts that I am NOT responsible for, but still the guilt and pain hits every time.

    I am sending you so much love and am so proud of you for reach out and calling the doctor!

    • Omg those are the exact thoughts I have. Mine is more like someone is going to do something to us. Like afraid to walk down a path that plenty of people are running down because I seen this “guy” go down it and now he’s going to knife us or something. I hate this!!!!
      How were u able to have another kid knowing u have this. I want more kids but I’m a little worried.

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