Without friends

Breathing in out in out in out.
This is me trying to get through this anxiety attack. Breathing wasn’t helping so I thought I would write. Write so I don’t get lost. Should have known something was coming. My OCD kicked in and I started cleaning at 11:30 pm just felt too much clutter. Still feel like cleaning but trying to get lil one down. Think attack came from my need to clean and get organized. My house is actually clean, most people would say I’m silly. But for me with OCD it’s not cleaned enough. U will never see me on hoarders.
Attack seems to be calming. Need to get some sleep.
So I’ve noticed that I have been withdrawing. Mostly from friends. I just want to be around my hubs and lil one. And I feel bad. Like I’m the worse friend in the world. I ran into my college roommate, and that was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I was suppose to call her so we could catch up. But I haven’t. Just the thought of calling her makes my heart start to pound and I want to hide.
Now my other good friend called me and I totally ignored her. I did text her and let her know I’m not feeling well, but what a horrible friend I am. I just don’t want to be around people I know. People I don’t know don’t care but my friends just can’t seem to deal with them.
Well my one friend I’m totally avoiding because I’m ubber jealous of her. Jealous that she has a 9 month old and she is doing just fine. She’s not having anxiety attacks, she’s not having horrible thoughts, she’s not possibly messing up her lil one because of this disease. She gets to be a “normal” mom while 20 months later I’m still struggling. Snapping at the lil one, not sleeping and my lil one sleeps through the night. So I’m avoiding her. And for that I’m such a horrible friend.
I hope that once I make it to the other side I’ll still have friends.


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