Old fears

So I got some bad insomnia going and well I figured while I wait for these pills to kick in ill write.
Saturday I’m going out. A friend and former coworker of mine was suppose to be getting married Saturday. Well about a month ago her lovely ex decided he didn’t want to marry her any more. Long story short he kicked her out, took back everything and now she lives with her mom. I think he was cheating but u didn’t hear that here
So a group of girls and I are taking her out for a non-wedding. We are wearing black and everything. Well as this event gets closer I realize one I haven’t been out “clubbing” in hell 9 years, and two I’m gonna be the oldest one there. Meaning I’m married with a kid, no need for mama to go clubbing when she has drinks at home with hubs and a great movie and I’m having a great time! ( ill be the oldest. Almost 30, they are all 22-25)
And my old anxiety/fears come back. That they are gonna think I’m so not cool.
I know lame right. And it shouldn’t matter, these girls aren’t MY peers. Not even in the same age bracket. Besides I did my high school reunion and freakin ROCKED it!!! Had some tongues wagging.
But let’s face it. I was and still am not the popular chick. I’m married to a nerd (be steal my heart) and I’m kinda cooky. I enjoy hanging out with my son, and my gays. (Maybe not politically correct but that’s how I describe them). I’m not a get my makeup on wear questionable attire, going out, impress the boys, with lots of friends kinda girl. Never was and I guess I’ll never be. I’m really pretty shy.
I’m getting better but BOY do I have major anxiety with new people.
I was an outsider in school. Hung with the “unpopular” crowd. Got good grades, played in Orchestra not band haha community service nerd in school. And I had plenty of embarrassing moments that follow that. Of course with that role there was bulling… Kimberly Taylor … That kinda sticks with you.
So now going out with these girls I’m scared. All those feelings are back. I want to not go, but can’t. I want to go. I have to go. I will go!!
Will those feelings ever go? Or are we descend to carry them with us?
Will I pass it to my lil one? (I hope not).

Wish me luck Saturday.



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