Drifting away again

So remember that friend I told you about that it was hard to see because she was so happy with her lil one, and it made me start to resent her because of my ppd?
Yeah well
Started to reach out to her and try and build that friendship back. She has been understanding through this whole thing and we have been slowly working on things. We have been talking about future babies and we both wanted to lose some weight before we started. Which was great, it was a way to hang out and connect again plus lose weight.
Well the Tuesday before Thanksgiving she came over to drop off lil ones bday present and she told me that she was pregnant. (Due 6-21)
So I’m happy for her. But well… I would be lying if I said I’m not sad. And I can feel myself pulling away.
I know I know it’s really good news but damn! All I can think about is how unfair this is. How I hope it doesn’t take us 10 months to conceive again, how I have to worry about rather or not I should stay on my pills. How I still am not back to myself after having lil one. How I hope I get to be joyful with the next baby.
While she has sex once and boom she’s knocked up, and she doesn’t have these worries.
Am I jealous?? Hell yeah I am! I know it’s not her fault that this has happened to me, but well it just plain sucks. I want another baby so bad, but I’m so scared. Hubs and I decided to wait till around his bday to start trying so that lil one would be three. (And fingers crossed potty trained)

Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell her how I feel. It’s not about me and who am I to kill her joy,but I don’t know if I can keep a happy face. I wear my feelings.
Any suggestions would be great.
I wanna be there but this illness is holding me back. It all feels like a dream. I keep thinking she DID tell me she was pregnant… Right?

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