So I just woke up from a horrid dream. It wasn’t like my usual nightmares. Usually if I have a bad dream it involves a bad guy. Freddy Kruger ranks as top bad guy for me. He has plagued my dreams since the first time I saw him at the ripe age of 5. He still does to this day. I’m getting better at defeating him in my older age though. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been around much. Other nightmares I have usually include someone/thing trying to kill me and my love ones. Lately I have been having dreams about my baby dying. Which I get. With all of the mamas out there I know who have lost their sweet ones I’m not surprised by these dreams. They suck but I’m not surprised by them. (In another post I will share what rolls people play in my dreams)
This dream tonight took my for a loop. I’m guessing it stemmed from lil keeping me up the last few nights with his constant need to want to sleep with me. I don’t know but wow. So here is the dream.
We were at church
which we will be getting ready for in an hour and I went to take lil back to the nursery. (Which right there is out of the ordinary. Normally hubs does because I’m usually getting things ready because I teach) anywho we were walking to the nursery and had to make a detour because lil had to potty. No big deal. We get in the bathroom and lil can’t get his pants off. Neither can I. And if u know what stage lil is in when it comes to potty you would understand my minor freak out. he waits till the last min to go. We get his pants down and he starts going…. EVERYWHERE!! The walls, the floor, his pulled down pants, EVERYWHERE. So I’m trying to control his wink wink and I just can’t. Right now this sounds funny but as a mom that is horrifying. Cause not only do you have to clean him up, you have to some how explain that to someone so you can get the mess cleaned up. And people were coming into the bathroom. Which had no doors? I’m yelling at him asking him what are you doing. Pee the right way pee the right way. And he just didn’t seem to get it! I look down and he’s got one shoe off and is standing in the toilet. (Side note I have MAJOR OCD when it comes to cleanliness) finally he’s done I’m a lil angry but I get him cleaned and go to hunt down someone about the mess. I thought I took lil to the nursery but when I get back with help he’s eating an ice cream cone with the big kids…. HELLO a 3 year old with a cone… I take the cone away and proceed to take him back to the nursery. And guess what? He has to potty again. I’m a little more angry because we had just gone, and after what happened last time you can see why I’m hesitant. This time I find a toilet that is lower so he can stand on his own. He starts going and this time it comes shooting up at us. Really? I’m yelling push it down push it down, and he isn’t understanding. People are now coming in to see what the yelling is about. Staring at me because I’m yelling at my child and how dare I yell at him. (Y’all know the type) after a Really long pee and another mess we go to wash our hands. When I turn around after washing mine he’s gone. My lil one has left the bathroom and wondered off. Enter panic with major anger. He KNOWS better! So now I have a pee mess and a missing child. I go and hunt my son down. He is out playing with the big kids. I’ve had enough. Screw the mess I’m done. I crab his hand mumble something about being in HUGE trouble and proceed to storm out of church. Everyone is looking at me. Some try to say hi but I avoid them. (Side note I’m never angry at church. Many people in general unless u are close to me get to see my angry side. I usually have that in check) we get out to the car I buckle his butt in the car seat… And this punk has the nerve to unbuckle his straps and get out for a rock. I’m shaking by this time with anger, embarrassment all of that. Luckily I wake up.
I have never ever ever been that upset at anyone. Let alone MY SON. My son would never do any of this. Yes he’s in his horrible three stage, but this, this would never happen.
I know some of you are laughing. Because there are worst dreams to have, but as a mom there isn’t. The nightmare wasn’t about pee on the walls it was about not having control. Not having control over your child and people judging. Not just strangers, these are people you know. People you will see again. People who once respected you. They are now judging you as a person, and you as a mom. And in those moments there is absolutely nothing you can do to get that control back. Nothing. And me being a huge introvert wanting to run not crawl but run and hide in my shell, but I just can’t get there. This for me is worse than any Freddy trying to kill me. In those dreams I could fight back, run. This dream I was just stuck. Stuck dealing with it all. The anger, the embarrassment, the fear, the stares, the mess, the child, all of it. My nightmare.
So would you think that was a nightmare? What do you think it’s telling me? Because in essence isn’t a dream just thoughts and things in your sub-contiguous mind?