Change

First off I want to apologize for not posting in a long while. Life. As the boys get bigger I find that I’m more and more busy. I usually write once everyone is asleep and the house is quiet, but I’ve found that I crash myself, sometimes before they fall asleep. And if I’m not crashing I’m getting time with my hubs. 

Anywho something has been on my mind and I know once I write it down I’ll be able to put it out. 

A person whom I thought was close to us ended up mad at us over the stupidest thing, which is fine, people are allowed to have their feelings. I just don’t have to agree with them, or apologize for it. They tried to make a jab at me.  So they said that my husband that he had changed since he met me. Like it was a bad thing. At first it kinda took me aback. You know the more I’ve thought about it, and talked with hubs about it, and prayed about it; they were absolutely right. He has changed since meeting me. I’ve changed since meeting him. And I’m glad that we have. He was 19 and I was 20 when we met. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 8, and parents for 5. I would hope that we have changed; that we’ve evolved since then. That’s human nature. Could you imagine if we still acted like we were in our early 20’s now? 

The statement about him changing since he’s met me, makes me proud.  If they think his change was for the worse, It shows just how little they knew/know him. I won’t tell his story, I’ll leave that to him, but when I met him, he was headed down a bad path. One that could have ended very badly. And that was a deal breaker for me. (Watch requiem for a dream to know the path) Now look at him. I’m so proud of the man he’s become. Working hard for our family. Loving his boys, being the best father for them. 

Loving me.

 Fighting the world for a future our boys deserve. 

The boy I met many years ago would have never done half the things the man today can do.  That man isn’t anyone’s puppet, is strong, very intelligent, funny as hell, but most of all loving. I cringe at what kind of change they expected him to be. 

Notice I say loving many times. 

Why? 

The person I met 12 years ago was afraid to have kids because he didn’t think he could love them. The man today wakes and sleeps loving our sons. If that doesn’t show you the type of “change” he has went through then I don’t know what will. That change is why I’m so very much if no even more in love with him. 

Change is a beautiful thing. Everything changes. If you don’t THAT’S when you have problems. With that I leave you this: 

  

Just clicks

We are on our third year of homeschooling, and believe it or not I still question myself about putting him in public school. I know sounds crazy. I know this is what is right for our family, but I’m a mommy. And the last thing I ever want to do is harm my son’s education. I’m not a teacher, with state regulations to follow. So how do I know I’m doing it right?

Well it’s gonna seem stupid, but it’s such a big deal to me.

Today I was walking into the living room after changing lil’s explosive diaper. Big was playing on the DS, jumped off the couch SO excited and ran to me.

“Mommy mommy I can read!!!”
“You can?! Well that’s cool.” Half ignoring him with other things on my mind.
“That says press start to play!” I look at the screen, and by god that’s what it said.
“Wow you did read it! Very good sweetie!”
“I’m gonna go tell dad.” And he runs off.

Now you may say big whoop, but it is to us. No one ever told him the words on the screen. He was playing angry birds. So there wasn’t really anything to read. So he read the words, and understood what that meant.
That is exciting to me. It’s like reading finally clicked and made sense.

The best part, was that he liked it and wanted to do it again. So at bath time, he read a book to lil…. Twice.

I’m so proud. Proud that he likes reading now, but I’m more proud that I’m the one who taught him.

So exciting. Just another way I’m being reminded that I’m doing something right.

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The prize

Last year I participated in a labyrinth walk at church. It was a rough year. Our electric got turned off, and we had to seek help from our lovely church to provide a thanksgiving dinner for us. This made me question the decision about staying home. Maybe I should at least get a part time job. We wouldn’t have to worry about money.
But when I finished this walk; God had spoke to me. He told me to stop… This is the exact path I’m supposed to be on. He never said it would be easy but it’s what he/she wants me to do.

Last month my baby boy got really sick. Was put in the ICU. And we’re there for ten days. I was able to be by his side for all ten days.

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Now hubs was able to be there, but he did have to go into work 2 days and bring work to the hospital another day. I remember telling him that I was glad I didn’t work. Missing 10 days would have gotten me replaced. And there was NO way I would have not been there. I didn’t like leaving the hour a day to come home and shower.

Next My sweet 10 month old took his first steps yesterday (dec 8th 2014). The first was while I was on the phone working out details with my sister. I thought it was just a fluke. One step from one couch to another.
The next was no fluke. He stood up and took four steps to his brother. Four steps!!! Lil even saw it happen.

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I was reminded once again this is the right path. My poor hubs is in Boston on a business trip. If he wasn’t there he would have been home to see. I finally got baby boy to do it again so I could video it, but it’s not the same as the first. I would have been absolutely devastated if I would have missed it. If someone else would have gotten to see that first.
Now it’s not always flowers and candy. It’s hard hard work, and teething, and 4 year olds who don’t listen make it even harder. There is no sick days or paid vacations. But the reward of seeing these firsts, and being able to be there when they need me without worrying….
It’s worth more than anything.

When I grow up

Lil: mom what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: A mommy
Lil: No mom for real, what do you want to be.
Me: ….

When I was younger if you asked me that question I would have said a Veterinarian. Then when I got into college to become a Veterinarian, and realized the likelihood of that happening (too much chemistry) I decided to be a teacher. I graduated from college, and was gonna be a teacher then realized ehh I don’t like the rules and regulations; I decided to become a ABA Therapist. I loved that job. And sometimes miss it.

But then I had lil

And I finally finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up…

I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to stay home and take care of my kids. I wanted to be there when they left in the morning, and came home after school. (Mind you this was before the homeschool decision)

So when he said that I don’t know why it stung. Because it did. Maybe because my hubs goes to work and he’s still a daddy, or because the neighbor goes to work and she’s still a mommy is the reason he was wondering?

I get that, but this IS what I want to be. I guess I feel bad, and deflected because he doesn’t see me as he sees others? I’m not as good as everyone in his eyes.

I know this is the path I’m supposed to be on, but what do I tell my children, so that they think it’s great also?

I’m still pondering this.

All I know is that when I grow up, and look back on this, I want to be the best darn mommy I could have possibly been. Always been there when they needed me. Gave them what I didn’t have in a mom. To have been firm, and compassionate, but most of, to have been loving. For them to be proud to have me as a mommy.

So I guess if that’s not a job to have when you grow up, I don’t know what to do.

As I’m showing hubs video of our hum drum day (I thought it was a lazy day)

Hubs: I love you…
Me: I love you too…. What was that for?
Hubs: because you’re a good mom.. You’re fun.. Our boys are lucky
Me: (*blush*)
He totally made my week

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Been avoiding

No I haven’t been under a rock lately, I’ve just been avoiding the news. Avoiding what has been happening in Missouri. Why? Because it pains me. Pains me to still see the injustice brown boys are facing. Pains me, because I look at my precious boys, who right now the only care they have is which angry bird set he wants, who wants to be a pilot when he grows up, who’s only fear is of the spider webs in the sand box, who loves the police cars…..

Who’s heart I will have to break when I tell him that no, police are not good, they aren’t nice, and a matter of fact THEY are the ones you should fear.

I will have to explain that yes even though your white friends next door can still love cops, and think that they are cool, you my sweet boy, who wakes up everyday with nothing but love for everyone and everything, will have to know that cops are scary, cops should make you nervous, cops are not cool.

My sweet boy who runs around the house saving the day, when you are older the police will not give you high fives, they will not wave to you when you wave, that in fact those same police are going to pull you over for no reason while you are driving, arrest you when you have done no wrong, and shoot you even when you are unarmed.

Who wants to tell their sons this?

I don’t..

But I will have to.

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Breastfeeding image

When you think of breastfeeding what picture pops into your head?

Are the pictures of the woman and baby that you see of women who are Caucasian?

If you answered yes, it’s ok you are not alone. Those are the same pictures I see also. As a matter of fact besides my mom and sister I have never seen a picture of a minority breastfeeding.

All of the pamphlets I received in the hospital are pictures of Caucasian women breastfeeding. Do you know how discouraging that can be as a new mom of color? As a matter of fact if I didn’t do my own research I wouldn’t know the wonders of breastfeeding and just how great breast milk is for babies.
(DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE! How ever you get food to your baby is a wonderful thing. And a decision YOU must decide for yourself. So I’m not here trying to bash nor start a formula verse breastfeeding war. I understand both sides of the coin a believe you have to do what your have to do. Happy mommy, fed baby, all is well in the world)

Coming from my background it was never pushed to breastfeed. My earliest memory of breastfeeding is of my mom feeding my little sister, and that didn’t last long. As soon as she could my sister was switched to formula. (I think she was 4 months? Maybe younger) I don’t think my mother was educated enough to know to know the benefits of breastfeeding.

My next memory would be of my older sister breastfeeding. And bless her heart, she tried to make it to a year, but with the demands if her job and pumping and breastfeeding laws up in the air, I think she made it to 9 months, which is still a great thing.

So when I had my first, I was determined to make if to a year, yet with me being sick right after we left the hospital, a baby with jaundice, and him also having reflux, formula was being pushed on us left and right. We used formula with him several times. Lucky for me I had a baby who didn’t do so great on formula, and really didn’t like it. So when he could he went straight back to breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding saved my life. It is what helped me get through PPD. At the time I thought I was doing EVERYTHING WRONG as a mommy. Those were the thoughts that went through my head thanks to evil PPD.

The thoughts would tell me that I’m a horrible mom, that I shouldn’t be a mom, that I was stupid, failing and my child was better off with a different mother. That’s what PPD can do to a person. Lie.

The one thing, the only thing that I knew/felt I was doing right was feeding my baby. When ever I would feed him those thoughts would dissipate. This gave us a bond that I couldn’t get with him at the time. I am very thankful for those moments.
I made it to 13 months breastfeeding my first. With knee surgery and the meds I was on, we ended up stopping, and I morn that still to this day.

This baby was different. With more knowledge, the support of my hubs, and a wonderful doula, Sharon Goulay , I got to watch the miracle of nature happen. They put my baby boy on my chest, and I got to watch him instinctually crawl to my breast and naturally latch on. With no help or intervention from me or anyone else. What a beautiful thing to see. We have been feeding ever since.

I am more confident in breastfeeding this time around. I don’t hide it anymore. I breastfeed anywhere and everywhere we are, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m gonna feed him until we both are ready to be done, not forced by any medical reasons. I have even educated my big 3 year old that breast are for feeding babies. That babies need mamas milk. So that when he sees other breastfeeding moms it’s just as natural to him as a baby being fed a bottle. So that he can grow up and be a supportive partner/friend/family member.

I found out about a project being held here in my town. A group of wonderful women are trying to promote breastfeeding in the minority community. They are taking pictures of minorities in their homes breastfeeding their babies. To show that hey it’s just as natural for us as our Caucasian counterpart. I got to be a participant. They came to my home and took beautiful pictures of baby and me. The pictures are then going to be used in an exhibit to raise awareness in the minority community during breastfeeding awareness month. (August)

So please check out their site, and enjoy pictures of me and my baby and another mommy with her baby.

They are looking for more mommies. So if you are a breastfeeding minority who lives in the Columbus, Ohio area please feel free to contact them if your spirit moves you.

http://happyelyafter.com/blog/2014/5/27/shades-of-nurture-personal-2014-breastfeeding-project

Happy Mother’s Day plus 2

I know it’s been a while, but hey what can I say, life and baby.
I will be back more, a good friend has inspired me to write again and to be honest I miss it.

Well this will be my first Mother’s Day As a mommy of two. And I’m good, I’m really really good. I’m not saying it’s not hard, we have those days, but I think I have fully embraced it. I’m enjoying it. We are getting our groove, and the best part is this time I don’t feel so alone.

For lent we had a spiritual labyrinth, and I participated in it. It’s what my soul truly needed. I went there late, which gave me time to be alone. Once I made it to the middle I sat and just listened. And I think I was spoken to.
I had so many questions and just the simple thing of being still and listening gave me my answers. I believe I’m on the right track. I feel like after everything this is what I am suppose to be doing. And for once I can look out in the distance and see the path.

Thank you my sweet husband for giving me our beautiful boys. For not letting me miss out on the beautiful thing called motherhood.
I want to thank my boys. My lil made me a mommy, and baby made me a more loving mommy. They both gave me a purpose.

Happy Mother’s Day all!

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Big boy

It’s happened! My little boy has changed, and it’s not for the better..

I know it’s because of the baby. I don’t know what to do. He’s not my sweet lil boy anymore. To tell you the truth

HE’S A TERRORIST!!

He’s not listening, doing things he KNOWS he’s not suppose to do and he’s just plain mean. I know I know horrible threes, but dang!! Talking back…. Ugh!

Nothing we are doing is working.

Positive reinforcements
Sticker charts
Time outs
Time ins
Yelling

Nothing!

Sometimes by the end of the day I don’t like him. Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE my son. I would kill, lay down my life for him. Doesn’t mean I have to like him all the time. Right?

He still helps out, and he’s so good with his brother, and he’s loving and sweet when he wants to be.

I don’t know? I guess I’m hoping he will grow out of this stage? Soon….

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By myself

I cried. 2 days left and I cried.

Why?

Because my rock, my partner, my strength returns to work on Monday. I don’t want him to go. I know he has to, but I wish he didn’t. These two weeks have flown. This time two weeks ago my water was breaking, and my world was changing.
Through it all my husband was there with me step by step. Even when I wouldn’t let him touch me, I knew he was there. By my side getting me what ever I needed.
This go around has been great. Having him here has been great. Baby has his days and nights mixed up, so I don’t really sleep in the middle of the night. My sweet husband has made me breakfast everyday, and let me catch up of the much needed sleep. He’s been there helping me with lil one, who is going through a not listening stage. He’s been here making sure I’m feeling alright both physically and emotionally. Always putting my needs first. I’ve really enjoyed him here. We don’t get vacations, so just the fact that he has been home for longer than a weekend, has been incredible. Perfect. I really really enjoy him. He’s my best friend. It has been great hanging out with my best friend. Talking, laughing, loving.

Now it will just be me. If baby doesn’t sleep through the night, I won’t get that extra sleep. I have to take care of two kids now. Just me. And I tell you I’m nervous. Really nervous! Nervous I’m not going to be able to be mama. I’m not going to get everything done.

I’m going to FAIL…….

I’m so scared.

Lord I wish my husband could stay home. I miss him already. I’m gonna cherish these last two days with everything.

I hope I can do this…

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Sleeping, watching, love

Lying in bed watching my son sleep. He sleeps just like me. With his eyes cracked open. It’s peaceful, and I don’t want to break that peace. Cause once I do he will be back to his independent threenager self.
Right now he’s back to being the baby who can’t sleep without me. He’s gotta be touching me. A hand, a foot, something always touching me, so that he knows I’m still here. What drives some crazy in bed including my hubs I bask in.

He still needs me. He still needs his mama.

When he starts to toss and turn it just takes me laying my hand on his back, and he immediately settles.
In this moment I’m in my little piece of heaven. He doesn’t know it, but just as he needs me, I need him. This is all the reassurance I need to get me through the day. To let me know that I’m doing good as a mama, as HIS mama.

Unfortunately I have to break this peace because baby Duck is pressing on my bladder, and kicking me because it doesn’t want me laying in this position. But I shall remember this peace when he is driving me batty today, and I feel like I’ve failed some kind of way.

He loves me, he needs me, and he is happy. That’s all that matters.

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