It shouldn’t be this way

While riding in the car my big (now 7 year old) and I were discussing Facebook and how old he had to be before he could have a Facebook account.

Me: You are too young to have a Facebook account. I don’t care what others do.

Big: well when can I have one? How old do I have to be

Me: probably around 14.. 15… about the time you would be going to high school

Big: I don’t want to go to high school. I’m homeschooled remember

Me. I know. I’m not saying you have to go to high school. I’m saying it will be the age most people are when they go to high school. You can still be homeschooled I won’t make you go to high school unless you want to.

Big: Good I was afraid you were going to make me go.

Me: why don’t you want to go to high school?

Big: because I don’t want to get shot and killed

Me:……………….

I usually have words for him. I always play devil’s advocate when it comes to things like this. Trying to make them see all points of view before they make their final decision.

I didn’t have a good point of view for this one. I couldn’t promise him that he wouldn’t. All I could say was hopefully by the time you go to high school you won’t have this problem.

Truth be told, not that I’ve told him, but when discussing rather or not to homeschool the boys, this was the top five on our list. That was 6 years ago when we made that list.

Kids shouldn’t have to worry about this when they go to school. If my 7 year old who has never stepped into a public school is thinking about this, I promise you kids who do go to school think about this. It’s not the only thing they are thinking about, but it’s popped up once or twice.

Something needs to be done. For both our kids, and the teachers who not only have to know how to grow our children’s brains, but are now being taught how to use themselves to shield the kids. Does your job make you learn that? Are these teachers going to get paid extra for doing this?

Answer is no, and they shouldn’t have to. This shouldn’t be a thing.

I’m supporting a cause here in my home state. See if you can find one where you live. Something has to be done

March for our lives

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So this is happening 

Before I start I want to introduce you to Baby Steps newest baby feet. 

Born 9/10/17 our newest member came soring in, to complete our family. I am a mommy of 3 beautiful boys. WOW! 

His birth story is soon to come. 


Tomorrow at 1:40 my husband is getting a vasectomy. I sit here 12 hours before with mixed emotions. It’s officially the end of this era for us. I’m very surprised to be feeling this way to tell you the truth. 

You see we had a plan. Married by 25, three kids, three years apart, before I was 35. And we completed all of that. I’m ecstatic that we actually stuck to our plan. No oops, no giving up, just straight with the plan. We both agreed on the plan and while I’m pretty sure I do not want to be pregnant again, or to go through labor again, or postpartum depression again, I’m sad that we are actually done. There will be no more babies for us. No more heart beats, no more feeling the baby kick, no more meeting a baby, daddy cutting the cord, first diapers, sleepless nights and baby coos. And while some of those things made me or is making me misserable. It’s also making me want to run and tell him not to get it done. I change my mind. Because the thought of not having that ever again is pretty terrifying. It’s like something is being taken from me. Even though I’m willingly giving it up. 

This probably doesn’t make any since seeing that it’s not even me going through it. Hubs is. The only thing he’s worried about is the 1% chance of something happening and he ends up on the blue pill. Men I tell you.

What is wrong with me? Maybe because I’ve always had something big in life to look forward to. And I guess I don’t know what that next big thing in my life is gonna be is what’s getting me? What comes after having babies? We never made a plan for after 35. I like plans and goals and now without this I’m gonna be flapping in the breeze. 

I guess I’ll figure it out. I’m nervous as all get out about it. 

At least I’ll always have this. This place helped me through postpartum depression. It was here when I didn’t think I would get through that. So maybe writing today will show me where I’m to go after this? I’ll just follow the words above and take it a baby step at a time. Wish me luck

Thought of the day 2

Thought of the day…. if a person is medically declared dead when they no longer have brain activity, why do we have laws declaring someone living at the first sign of a heart beat? If life is based on brain activity then technically life doesn’t begin until 24 weeks inside the womb. 24 weeks – 26 weeks is about the time a baby can survive outside of the womb…… something to think about

Change

First off I want to apologize for not posting in a long while. Life. As the boys get bigger I find that I’m more and more busy. I usually write once everyone is asleep and the house is quiet, but I’ve found that I crash myself, sometimes before they fall asleep. And if I’m not crashing I’m getting time with my hubs. 

Anywho something has been on my mind and I know once I write it down I’ll be able to put it out. 

A person whom I thought was close to us ended up mad at us over the stupidest thing, which is fine, people are allowed to have their feelings. I just don’t have to agree with them, or apologize for it. They tried to make a jab at me.  So they said that my husband that he had changed since he met me. Like it was a bad thing. At first it kinda took me aback. You know the more I’ve thought about it, and talked with hubs about it, and prayed about it; they were absolutely right. He has changed since meeting me. I’ve changed since meeting him. And I’m glad that we have. He was 19 and I was 20 when we met. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 8, and parents for 5. I would hope that we have changed; that we’ve evolved since then. That’s human nature. Could you imagine if we still acted like we were in our early 20’s now? 

The statement about him changing since he’s met me, makes me proud.  If they think his change was for the worse, It shows just how little they knew/know him. I won’t tell his story, I’ll leave that to him, but when I met him, he was headed down a bad path. One that could have ended very badly. And that was a deal breaker for me. (Watch requiem for a dream to know the path) Now look at him. I’m so proud of the man he’s become. Working hard for our family. Loving his boys, being the best father for them. 

Loving me.

 Fighting the world for a future our boys deserve. 

The boy I met many years ago would have never done half the things the man today can do.  That man isn’t anyone’s puppet, is strong, very intelligent, funny as hell, but most of all loving. I cringe at what kind of change they expected him to be. 

Notice I say loving many times. 

Why? 

The person I met 12 years ago was afraid to have kids because he didn’t think he could love them. The man today wakes and sleeps loving our sons. If that doesn’t show you the type of “change” he has went through then I don’t know what will. That change is why I’m so very much if no even more in love with him. 

Change is a beautiful thing. Everything changes. If you don’t THAT’S when you have problems. With that I leave you this: 

  

Shooter drill

I don’t know if it’s the sign of the times, or the fact that my hubs was out of town, or the simple fact I suffer from anxiety. But while the boys and I were having dinner in the mall, all I could think about was:

 “damn if a shooter came we are screwed!”

I had originally chose that spot to sit because it was close to where you empty your trays, but once I sat down I realized that was a horrible choice. 

1. We were sitting by the door. There wouldn’t be any time to duck and hide. 

2. If we could get down quick enough we where stuck behind a half wall. 

3. I know this may sound harsh but we were sitting right behind the security guard. 

4. There was only one way out. 

After these thoughts I started having more anxiety. Watching every one coming and going.  I realize this isn’t how one should live their life, and I don’t plan on it, but it did open my eyes. Just like we have a plan in case there is a fire/tornado, I should have a plan just in case some idiot decides to shoot up the mall. It sucks but it’s a reality. 

A few of my homeschool friends have code words for their kids. And if they say a word the kids know to drop to the ground, and be quiet. To listen to their parents no arguments, so they can hopefully get out safely. I think I need to start doing this. And practice it while we are out, just like we would practice a fire drill. 

I would like to think this could never happen where we live. But I’m sure that’s what many of the latest victims thought also. I can’t guarantee this will save our lives either. I don’t know what a shooter is thinking, but it just might. 

What are your thoughts? 

Just clicks

We are on our third year of homeschooling, and believe it or not I still question myself about putting him in public school. I know sounds crazy. I know this is what is right for our family, but I’m a mommy. And the last thing I ever want to do is harm my son’s education. I’m not a teacher, with state regulations to follow. So how do I know I’m doing it right?

Well it’s gonna seem stupid, but it’s such a big deal to me.

Today I was walking into the living room after changing lil’s explosive diaper. Big was playing on the DS, jumped off the couch SO excited and ran to me.

“Mommy mommy I can read!!!”
“You can?! Well that’s cool.” Half ignoring him with other things on my mind.
“That says press start to play!” I look at the screen, and by god that’s what it said.
“Wow you did read it! Very good sweetie!”
“I’m gonna go tell dad.” And he runs off.

Now you may say big whoop, but it is to us. No one ever told him the words on the screen. He was playing angry birds. So there wasn’t really anything to read. So he read the words, and understood what that meant.
That is exciting to me. It’s like reading finally clicked and made sense.

The best part, was that he liked it and wanted to do it again. So at bath time, he read a book to lil…. Twice.

I’m so proud. Proud that he likes reading now, but I’m more proud that I’m the one who taught him.

So exciting. Just another way I’m being reminded that I’m doing something right.

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The prize

Last year I participated in a labyrinth walk at church. It was a rough year. Our electric got turned off, and we had to seek help from our lovely church to provide a thanksgiving dinner for us. This made me question the decision about staying home. Maybe I should at least get a part time job. We wouldn’t have to worry about money.
But when I finished this walk; God had spoke to me. He told me to stop… This is the exact path I’m supposed to be on. He never said it would be easy but it’s what he/she wants me to do.

Last month my baby boy got really sick. Was put in the ICU. And we’re there for ten days. I was able to be by his side for all ten days.

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Now hubs was able to be there, but he did have to go into work 2 days and bring work to the hospital another day. I remember telling him that I was glad I didn’t work. Missing 10 days would have gotten me replaced. And there was NO way I would have not been there. I didn’t like leaving the hour a day to come home and shower.

Next My sweet 10 month old took his first steps yesterday (dec 8th 2014). The first was while I was on the phone working out details with my sister. I thought it was just a fluke. One step from one couch to another.
The next was no fluke. He stood up and took four steps to his brother. Four steps!!! Lil even saw it happen.

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I was reminded once again this is the right path. My poor hubs is in Boston on a business trip. If he wasn’t there he would have been home to see. I finally got baby boy to do it again so I could video it, but it’s not the same as the first. I would have been absolutely devastated if I would have missed it. If someone else would have gotten to see that first.
Now it’s not always flowers and candy. It’s hard hard work, and teething, and 4 year olds who don’t listen make it even harder. There is no sick days or paid vacations. But the reward of seeing these firsts, and being able to be there when they need me without worrying….
It’s worth more than anything.

When I grow up

Lil: mom what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: A mommy
Lil: No mom for real, what do you want to be.
Me: ….

When I was younger if you asked me that question I would have said a Veterinarian. Then when I got into college to become a Veterinarian, and realized the likelihood of that happening (too much chemistry) I decided to be a teacher. I graduated from college, and was gonna be a teacher then realized ehh I don’t like the rules and regulations; I decided to become a ABA Therapist. I loved that job. And sometimes miss it.

But then I had lil

And I finally finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up…

I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to stay home and take care of my kids. I wanted to be there when they left in the morning, and came home after school. (Mind you this was before the homeschool decision)

So when he said that I don’t know why it stung. Because it did. Maybe because my hubs goes to work and he’s still a daddy, or because the neighbor goes to work and she’s still a mommy is the reason he was wondering?

I get that, but this IS what I want to be. I guess I feel bad, and deflected because he doesn’t see me as he sees others? I’m not as good as everyone in his eyes.

I know this is the path I’m supposed to be on, but what do I tell my children, so that they think it’s great also?

I’m still pondering this.

All I know is that when I grow up, and look back on this, I want to be the best darn mommy I could have possibly been. Always been there when they needed me. Gave them what I didn’t have in a mom. To have been firm, and compassionate, but most of, to have been loving. For them to be proud to have me as a mommy.

So I guess if that’s not a job to have when you grow up, I don’t know what to do.

As I’m showing hubs video of our hum drum day (I thought it was a lazy day)

Hubs: I love you…
Me: I love you too…. What was that for?
Hubs: because you’re a good mom.. You’re fun.. Our boys are lucky
Me: (*blush*)
He totally made my week

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Speaker of the day

Do you ever get sick of being around people?

I’m having one of those moments.  The introvert in me is screaming right now.  I’m becoming more and more involved in things, and now my introverted self just wants to stay home.
I dont mind being out and about amongst others, because I don’t have to speak to them.  I can just keep my head down and fade into the background. I’m not on anyone’s time, but my own.
With these things I’m involved in,  I have to be present.  I have to participate.

I have to speak……..

You don’t understand how hard it is for me to speak.

It is the ultimate battle in my head. I’ve always been shy. Since I can remember, I’ve always been shy. It is now that I’m older,  I have the courage to speak to others….

In front of others.

It’s pretty exhausting, this internal fight. 

Right now I am feeling pretty overwhelmed about it. I’m starting to want to hermit. Just be here with my family. Where there is no pressure.

Then I look at my friends who are out doing things,

with others, each other

And I get a little jealous,  but know darn well I would rather be home.

I have always told my hubs that we were wild extroverts when we were young, so that we could meet each other and be introverts together. 

So we weren’t alone.

I truly believe that was part of the Lord’s plan for us.

I don’t know.  All I know is this is going to keep me up tonight, if the teething baby doesn’t.

I’ll figure it out I hope.

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Been avoiding

No I haven’t been under a rock lately, I’ve just been avoiding the news. Avoiding what has been happening in Missouri. Why? Because it pains me. Pains me to still see the injustice brown boys are facing. Pains me, because I look at my precious boys, who right now the only care they have is which angry bird set he wants, who wants to be a pilot when he grows up, who’s only fear is of the spider webs in the sand box, who loves the police cars…..

Who’s heart I will have to break when I tell him that no, police are not good, they aren’t nice, and a matter of fact THEY are the ones you should fear.

I will have to explain that yes even though your white friends next door can still love cops, and think that they are cool, you my sweet boy, who wakes up everyday with nothing but love for everyone and everything, will have to know that cops are scary, cops should make you nervous, cops are not cool.

My sweet boy who runs around the house saving the day, when you are older the police will not give you high fives, they will not wave to you when you wave, that in fact those same police are going to pull you over for no reason while you are driving, arrest you when you have done no wrong, and shoot you even when you are unarmed.

Who wants to tell their sons this?

I don’t..

But I will have to.

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