A step away from equality

It’s with a heavy heart that I write this post. I hesitate to even talk about it. Yet a very good friend of mine, put the whispers in my ear to write about it. They know me. And they know it’s one of the best ways for me to work this out in my head..

So here I am writing about it.

Before I start, I’m gonna say the following:

1. What happened, should have NEVER happened. I morn with my fellow Americans.

2. Even though we own a gun, we do know that there absolutely needs to be better laws, and restrictions to get one.

3. I. AM. An alley to the LGBTQ….. Community. Love is love. And we are ALL God’s children. And God loves us ALL.

You must have heard about the terrible tragedy that happened in Orlando, at a night club. I’m not gonna tell the whole story, but in short, a crazy lunatic went into a gay night club; shot and killed 49 people and wounded 53 (I think). Speculation is out there about why he did it, but we really aren’t going to know the truth. Only he and God knows.

Anyways it’s been all over the media, social media included. The LGBTQ.. Are hurting right now. And rightfully so. Those people were just living their lives like the rest of us. I hurt for them. I cry for them. I’m angry with them

Well at first I was. Lately, that hurt, that anger, my empathy, has turned into jealousy, resentment, and rage. Not at them, not because of them but because the way they are viewed and I am viewed.

I feel so foolish. I stupidly thought that we, were fighting in the same level. That I understood, just like they understood the struggle, the fight for equality. That we both just want to be treated as anyone else. That we got each other, because the world viewed us the same. As outsiders. Less than.
I.       Was.     Wrong.

People of color are actually viewed worse.?

Take for instance the church that was shot up by a crazy lunatic. Many people died. All these people were doing was attending church. ATTENDING CHURCH. And because they have brown skin this terrorist decided to kill them.

The world never stopped to morn them, there were no gofund me pages set up for their families. No blood drives for the wounded. Cities didn’t hold rallies to support them. The mayors didn’t come out to support people of color. Hell the president even got criticized for mentioning them.

Yet after this latest killing, even crazy Donald Trump is coming out saying he will fight for them(even though you and I both know he doesn’t support them) congress (even though it was interrupted) held a moment of silence for them.

Many people who have came out to support the LGBTQ…. Community aren’t really supporters. (Especially since they push a law in silence against the LGBTQ community). People are out protesting for them (I would be one of them) holding rallies. Coming out of the wood work to support the LGBTQ community.

When a crooked cop shoots and kills an a person of color, or a neighborhood watch person kills a person of color for no other reason than they have brown skin and they “feared for their lives”. How many people were on the victim’s side? And how many people supported the cop, telling us we just need to know how to act around them. How many people gave money for the legal fees for the man who killed a person who was just trying to walk home. How many people bid on the gun that killed that poor kid.

The killer in Orlando; was a lunatic. But the media has labeled him as a terrorist, even though Isis didn’t really claim him until after the fact.

The shooter of the church; had a “mental illness.” Even though that bastard was a member of a skin head/kkk group. Who ARE terrorist in America no matter how you cut it. The lunatic who killed the church goers is STILL alive.

I’m not blaming the LGBTQ community for any of this. Please don’t get me wrong. They deserve the same freedoms as me and anyone else. And I will keep helping them fight until they get those rights.

But right now, right now I have too many emotions, that I don’t know what to do with. And I don’t want to take it out on the community. There is just something nagging at me. Eating at me, saying “if that night club, was a club where nothing but people of color attended, you know darn well it would NOT get this type of attention. The media wouldn’t be sharing stories about people doing heroic things. The media would be showing any and all criminal acts the victims had. Or researching if the club was shady or not.”

And that is why I have to take a step back. Pray to the Lord, and find out what to do with these feeling. So that I don’t hurt the LGBTQ community and so that I can move forward on the fight for equality.

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Been avoiding

No I haven’t been under a rock lately, I’ve just been avoiding the news. Avoiding what has been happening in Missouri. Why? Because it pains me. Pains me to still see the injustice brown boys are facing. Pains me, because I look at my precious boys, who right now the only care they have is which angry bird set he wants, who wants to be a pilot when he grows up, who’s only fear is of the spider webs in the sand box, who loves the police cars…..

Who’s heart I will have to break when I tell him that no, police are not good, they aren’t nice, and a matter of fact THEY are the ones you should fear.

I will have to explain that yes even though your white friends next door can still love cops, and think that they are cool, you my sweet boy, who wakes up everyday with nothing but love for everyone and everything, will have to know that cops are scary, cops should make you nervous, cops are not cool.

My sweet boy who runs around the house saving the day, when you are older the police will not give you high fives, they will not wave to you when you wave, that in fact those same police are going to pull you over for no reason while you are driving, arrest you when you have done no wrong, and shoot you even when you are unarmed.

Who wants to tell their sons this?

I don’t..

But I will have to.

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Breastfeeding image

When you think of breastfeeding what picture pops into your head?

Are the pictures of the woman and baby that you see of women who are Caucasian?

If you answered yes, it’s ok you are not alone. Those are the same pictures I see also. As a matter of fact besides my mom and sister I have never seen a picture of a minority breastfeeding.

All of the pamphlets I received in the hospital are pictures of Caucasian women breastfeeding. Do you know how discouraging that can be as a new mom of color? As a matter of fact if I didn’t do my own research I wouldn’t know the wonders of breastfeeding and just how great breast milk is for babies.
(DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE! How ever you get food to your baby is a wonderful thing. And a decision YOU must decide for yourself. So I’m not here trying to bash nor start a formula verse breastfeeding war. I understand both sides of the coin a believe you have to do what your have to do. Happy mommy, fed baby, all is well in the world)

Coming from my background it was never pushed to breastfeed. My earliest memory of breastfeeding is of my mom feeding my little sister, and that didn’t last long. As soon as she could my sister was switched to formula. (I think she was 4 months? Maybe younger) I don’t think my mother was educated enough to know to know the benefits of breastfeeding.

My next memory would be of my older sister breastfeeding. And bless her heart, she tried to make it to a year, but with the demands if her job and pumping and breastfeeding laws up in the air, I think she made it to 9 months, which is still a great thing.

So when I had my first, I was determined to make if to a year, yet with me being sick right after we left the hospital, a baby with jaundice, and him also having reflux, formula was being pushed on us left and right. We used formula with him several times. Lucky for me I had a baby who didn’t do so great on formula, and really didn’t like it. So when he could he went straight back to breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding saved my life. It is what helped me get through PPD. At the time I thought I was doing EVERYTHING WRONG as a mommy. Those were the thoughts that went through my head thanks to evil PPD.

The thoughts would tell me that I’m a horrible mom, that I shouldn’t be a mom, that I was stupid, failing and my child was better off with a different mother. That’s what PPD can do to a person. Lie.

The one thing, the only thing that I knew/felt I was doing right was feeding my baby. When ever I would feed him those thoughts would dissipate. This gave us a bond that I couldn’t get with him at the time. I am very thankful for those moments.
I made it to 13 months breastfeeding my first. With knee surgery and the meds I was on, we ended up stopping, and I morn that still to this day.

This baby was different. With more knowledge, the support of my hubs, and a wonderful doula, Sharon Goulay , I got to watch the miracle of nature happen. They put my baby boy on my chest, and I got to watch him instinctually crawl to my breast and naturally latch on. With no help or intervention from me or anyone else. What a beautiful thing to see. We have been feeding ever since.

I am more confident in breastfeeding this time around. I don’t hide it anymore. I breastfeed anywhere and everywhere we are, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m gonna feed him until we both are ready to be done, not forced by any medical reasons. I have even educated my big 3 year old that breast are for feeding babies. That babies need mamas milk. So that when he sees other breastfeeding moms it’s just as natural to him as a baby being fed a bottle. So that he can grow up and be a supportive partner/friend/family member.

I found out about a project being held here in my town. A group of wonderful women are trying to promote breastfeeding in the minority community. They are taking pictures of minorities in their homes breastfeeding their babies. To show that hey it’s just as natural for us as our Caucasian counterpart. I got to be a participant. They came to my home and took beautiful pictures of baby and me. The pictures are then going to be used in an exhibit to raise awareness in the minority community during breastfeeding awareness month. (August)

So please check out their site, and enjoy pictures of me and my baby and another mommy with her baby.

They are looking for more mommies. So if you are a breastfeeding minority who lives in the Columbus, Ohio area please feel free to contact them if your spirit moves you.

http://happyelyafter.com/blog/2014/5/27/shades-of-nurture-personal-2014-breastfeeding-project

Made my day

Sorry I haven’t been around. New baby with bad reflux makes for late nights. I will be back, I just wanted to share something that has been making my week.

Being up late makes for a lot of tv. TV and my phone are the two things helping me stay awake. The commercials suck. Most start off with:

“We know why you are awake!” Then it goes on to tell me that I need to call a number for some hot chic, file for bankruptcy, or go eat at a Japanese buffet. And the best is I need to hire a detective because my hubs is cheating.
I know right? I’m shaking my head too, but there are two commercials out there that make me very happy. The first is the G.E. commercial . It makes me happy because my dad worked at G.E. He use to help with the jet engines. The only commercial that was out then was the G.E is life one. And he hated it!!! I think he would love this one, because it shows what he actually did. Makes me remember when we got to go on a tour of G.E. It was one of the last memories I have of him.
And my most favorite commercial is the honey maid commercial . This one gives me warm fuzziness in my heart. The wholesome family! Uh I LOVE IT!! Have you seen it? And you know there is controversy about it. The same idiot people who had issues with the cheerio commercial . I love that I’m seeing me and my family on tv. I love that my boys will see something that looks like them on tv. We are a family we eat Cheerios, we are a wholesome family that eats graham crackers teddy Graham’s are the stuff! Why shouldn’t we see something that represents us on the television? It’s about time.

So THANK YOU honey maid for the beautiful commercial!

I have a dream

So today marks the 50th anniversary of Dr. King’s “I have a dream speech” and I know, as a black woman I should be excited about this.

I’m not.

As moving as his speech was, and the intent behind it all it does is make me sad. Sad that after all these years I feel like we still are far far far away from what Dr. King was talking about.
It’s 2013 and racism still is very much around. Little black boys and girls still can’t play with little white boys and girls. Not too long ago a little girl out with her father at a park we were playing at straight up told hubs and I that her mother said she wasn’t aloud to marry a black person. Her father said nothing.. And let’s not even bring up the Zimmerman case. It’s 2013 and instead of telling my son watch out because you could get hung because you are black, I get to tell him watch out because you could get shot only because you’re black… Not much has changed between the conversations each generation in my family has had to have since the speech.
You might question me because I happen to be married to a white guy, but what you don’t understand is the struggle it was to get here. To deal with prejudices on both sides of our family. To still have to really worry about rather hubs side of the family truly is gonna except lil and baby duck as one of their own. According to one person in that side “black people are up to something and we better watch out.” Told to my hubs at Christmas one year shortly after lil was born. Yes we were there. What the heck is that suppose to mean? And if he thinks like that is he going to be giving my kids and I the side eye every time we visit?
Dr. King preached about this dream of having this freedom, and equality, yet today I’m dreaming of that myself. To not be judged by the color of my skin. Just to have that would be a dream come true. For someone to actually have to get to know me before they decide rather or not they like me would be AMAZING! To be able to move to a nice neighborhood and not have the white lady send people down to check up on me to make sure I’m not gonna cause problems would be great.
yes this happened just last week Mrs. Rodriguez you get the side eye from me

So as great as his speech was as wonderful as this dream would be… We are not there yet. And all it’s done was left me to dream.

Dr. King’s I have a dream speech

How I feel in someone else’s words

This was written by a beautiful woman who I am SO lucky enough to call my friend. She has written exactly how I feel exactly what I ever wanted to say.

Please take a look.

Addy THANK YOU for you beautiful words. Thank you for putting the truth of the matter out there, and thank you for allowing me to share.

America’s not here for us

I know where babies come from

Well I guess I really do know where babies come from.
In that post I was feeling what I thought were PMS. At least that’s what my PMS feels like.
I was wrong. I’m pregnant!!!! Ahhh. It’s really crazy. Just when I think The Lord is giving me an answer one way he gives it to me another.
I’m still in shock. I know that I’ve been praying hard on this, but the fact that it happened I’m in aww. I’m so excited about it, that it doesn’t feel real. I’m pinching myself every morning to make sure I’m not having a really good dream.
Already this pregnancy is different than my first. maybe that means its a girl? don’t know we will see in 9 months…. We are a team Green family… Drives everyone crazy but I loved the surprise. The look on hubs face when he came out… Ill never forget it.
I do have a few worries, like they don’t want me using my Xanax… And I hope my PPD doesn’t come back stronger other than that and where ate we gonna live at, I’m pretty good.
I made a promise that I would not complain this pregnancy and by golly I’m gonna try not to. I’m just gonna enjoy this ride. The ups and downs, because it goes so fast and I want to savor every moment.
It will be cool to document here. For lil one I wrote in a journal so this shall be a new adventure.

Celebrating Lent giving thanks

Yup here I am again. Actually I just got lots of things rattling around in my head and I need to make space for new ones. Any who
I am Christian ahhhh I said it out loud. Well I’m trying to be. There has been a time that I was Atheist. I blamed God for my father’s death, and church just didn’t sound so good to me anymore. I couldn’t be a part of something that screamed HATE.
I know I know that’s not what it is but from my point of view that’s what it was. People who hated black, poor,gay people. And seeing that I just can’t help myself and I love to love I just couldn’t do it.
Well I’m SO lucky to have found a church who shows you that, that is not what God is about. He loves and ACCEPTS you no matter who you are and all he wants you to do is love. That’s it plain and simple. Love and worship him/her and love your neighbor.
So I’m working on my journey back to God. And I’m TRYING to bring him/her in my daily life. Into the life of my son. I want him to grow up with that. He can make his choice when he gets older and I will love and accept him no matter what faith he chooses but for now I want him to have that background. Besides let’s face it even though there is SUPPOSE to be a separation of church and state there really isn’t. Money rules the U.S and well our money has in GOD we trust marked on it. Just saying.
The lovely church we are members to

Shout out to Hilliard Methodist

celebrates lent but we don’t give up anything. For us it’s not about giving up things chocolate . We try to bring God and love into our lives more. For me I’m gonna make sure I spend sometime during the day and pray. Hubs is going to read scripture and lil one is going to give more hugs and kisses.
My prayers for the most part are private between me and God. But this one I don’t think he/she I’m not convinced God’s a man but it just doesn’t seem right saying it would mind.

Lord I just want to thank you for this wonderful life you have given me. I am so blesses for the all those I love and who love me in return. My hubs. I adore him. Thank you for him. He IS the man I prayed to you about all those years ago. My son the love I have for him is just wow. He is so loving and smart. Thank you for him. My sisters are my rocks. To have them in my life after everything we have gone through with that woman thank you. My friends I’m fine with the few I have because the few I have are the best most caring group I would ever want. And yes thank you for giving me PPD. Because I know you have a plan and I hate having it but without it I would have never met the wonderful women that are becoming my close friends. Thank you thank you for my life and my love and your love. In your name.. Amen
That’s was my conversation today with God.
So if you celebrate lent what are you doing for it?
Do you have conversations with The Lord?

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What’s going on?

Today I had to just stop reading the news I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt a panic attack coming so I shut it off.
I just want to be sure of what year it is. 2012 right? So why does it feel like 1912?

WHERE IS ALL THIS HATE COMING FROM?

I thought things were SUPPOSE to get better as the years go by but lately I feel as though it’s getting worse.
With what happened to my family last week, a church refusing to marry a black couple, chick fil hate, this shooting in Wis. (they haven’t confirmed it was hate yet) people mad because Gabby’s hair is relaxed……

ENOUGH ALREADY ! I just don’t understand I don’t get it. We are suppose to love each other. God loves everyone! Jesus preached about love and equality, but I’m not seeing that.
what would Jesus do? not what we are doing right now. He would be disgusted by how we are behaving right now. It seems as if the devil has poisoned the water or something.
I recently was a guide at vbs and some of the things we taught were about loving each other no matter who u are, what you do, and where you came from. I’m so proud to be apart of a group of people who teach and follow these things it does give me hope… It’s just sad to me. The world is at your finger tips to learn from and grow from so why not do that. Stop hating people, love and value each other and what we bring to the table what’s there to lose?

Just shocked by hate

So today hubs and I took lil one to the park. We were having fun and this dad and his three kids came along. The dad struck up a conversation with us about lil ones name. He liked it. We said we wanted something different but not crazy.
Out of the blue his little girl I’m gonna say she was 8 or 9, asks my hubs why did he marry a black girl? I say because we love each other. The little girl then says my mommy said not to marry blacks. Hubs tells her that black people are people too and that we should like everyone. The little girl says well my mommy said not to mess with blacks. The little girl then goes and play and the dad just says sorry about the questions, then proceeds to talk with us.

WHAT THE HECK!!!!

Now it’s 2012, and I’m not blind to the fact that as much as we would like, racism is still very much alive. I’m just in shock cause this lil girl was so young. And the fact that the dad didn’t even say anything to her. He just kept on trying to talk to us like that didn’t just happened.
I have dealt with racism before. Unfortunately that’s a part of being black. And as much as I want to shelter my lil one from it I know that sometime in his life he will have to deal with it too.
I just I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I don’t care who my son marries as long as they treat him with respect and makes him happy. That’s it that’s all I want for my boy in a partner.
I’m just sad that people are teaching their kids hate thus the cycle continues.

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