Shooter drill

I don’t know if it’s the sign of the times, or the fact that my hubs was out of town, or the simple fact I suffer from anxiety. But while the boys and I were having dinner in the mall, all I could think about was:

 “damn if a shooter came we are screwed!”

I had originally chose that spot to sit because it was close to where you empty your trays, but once I sat down I realized that was a horrible choice. 

1. We were sitting by the door. There wouldn’t be any time to duck and hide. 

2. If we could get down quick enough we where stuck behind a half wall. 

3. I know this may sound harsh but we were sitting right behind the security guard. 

4. There was only one way out. 

After these thoughts I started having more anxiety. Watching every one coming and going.  I realize this isn’t how one should live their life, and I don’t plan on it, but it did open my eyes. Just like we have a plan in case there is a fire/tornado, I should have a plan just in case some idiot decides to shoot up the mall. It sucks but it’s a reality. 

A few of my homeschool friends have code words for their kids. And if they say a word the kids know to drop to the ground, and be quiet. To listen to their parents no arguments, so they can hopefully get out safely. I think I need to start doing this. And practice it while we are out, just like we would practice a fire drill. 

I would like to think this could never happen where we live. But I’m sure that’s what many of the latest victims thought also. I can’t guarantee this will save our lives either. I don’t know what a shooter is thinking, but it just might. 

What are your thoughts? 

Speaker of the day

Do you ever get sick of being around people?

I’m having one of those moments.  The introvert in me is screaming right now.  I’m becoming more and more involved in things, and now my introverted self just wants to stay home.
I dont mind being out and about amongst others, because I don’t have to speak to them.  I can just keep my head down and fade into the background. I’m not on anyone’s time, but my own.
With these things I’m involved in,  I have to be present.  I have to participate.

I have to speak……..

You don’t understand how hard it is for me to speak.

It is the ultimate battle in my head. I’ve always been shy. Since I can remember, I’ve always been shy. It is now that I’m older,  I have the courage to speak to others….

In front of others.

It’s pretty exhausting, this internal fight. 

Right now I am feeling pretty overwhelmed about it. I’m starting to want to hermit. Just be here with my family. Where there is no pressure.

Then I look at my friends who are out doing things,

with others, each other

And I get a little jealous,  but know darn well I would rather be home.

I have always told my hubs that we were wild extroverts when we were young, so that we could meet each other and be introverts together. 

So we weren’t alone.

I truly believe that was part of the Lord’s plan for us.

I don’t know.  All I know is this is going to keep me up tonight, if the teething baby doesn’t.

I’ll figure it out I hope.

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Going back

This weekend I have had to come to my mother’s house to get my car repaired. Everything was going good until last night when we dropped the car off.
Apparently I was suppose to be paying for this…. Long story short, my mom took my car to a “friend” to get my brakes fixed a few weeks ago (they needed to be done but it wasn’t urgent) ever since this friend “fixed” my brakes my break fluid has been leaking and we have had to refill it every other day. So my thinking is he made it leak so he has to fix it.
I guess my thinking was wrong because my mom totally went off on me.
What I thought I had gotten over I guess I hadn’t. While she was yelling at me I felt like I was a kid again.
All the emotional and verbal abuse came back. I wanted to cry But I didn’t, I kept it in, I wouldn’t cry in front of my boys. She would not have that satisfaction. (I don’t have a problem crying in front of my kids, they need to know mama has feelings too) and now I’m trapped. I’m stuck here because my car is getting worked on. I’m reminded of the reasons why I left. Besides the physical abuse, my mother was and still is great at emotional/verbal abuse.
I’m 30 years old and she still has this effect on me. When will it end? I don’t want her to have this hold on me anymore. And I know many of you would say talk to her, but unfortunately there is no talking to her. She just denies, and place blame back on you. So I don’t know what to do.
Do you ever really get over something like this? I know it has effected my life, and the way I parent my own kids, But do you really ever get over this? Especially when the abuser is still in your life?
Would love any knowledge on this.

Mama’s here

Rocking, bouncing, walking..
Feeding, burping, spit-up….throw-up

Crying..

My sweet baby is not doing so good. His poor tummy is not being kind. Tonight was an even worse night than usual. He’s throwing-up. I’m not talking about his usual spit up, I’m talking full on throw-up with gagging and all.. My poor boy. He’s soaked, I’m soaked. We both smell of sour milk.

We get changed, should I feed him again? He’s rooting around, he’s looking for more. Is it wise? Will he throw-up again? The mama in me says he wouldn’t be rooting if he didn’t want anymore.

Right?

I let him nurse. Why is he throwing up? Was it the camomile tea? Did I give him too much? Was it the ice-cream I had after dinner? Is it too too much air?
He detaches with a shriek. I immediately start patting, rocking. Crying starts. The patting isn’t working. He’s screaming now. “I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “I’m so so sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

“It’s ok my love, mama’s here. Mama’s here.” He slows his crying. I must have found the right bounce. We shall keep this going.

My back hurts. But I must keep bouncing. I’ll keep going for him.

Oo is he sleep? We have been at this for hours now, my back hurts, I have to pee, I’m so sleepy…. Gonna sit down, and no he’s crying again, screaming…

“I’m so so sorry you are hurting”

Colic sucks!!!

Rocking, bouncing, walking, apologizing.

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That smile only happens while sleep. The pain happens when awake. Colic sucks!

Colic really?

Never thought it would happen to me.

Here I am. I have a baby with colic. He’s so gassy that he’s in pain. Pain that causes him to cry, squill, scream! And there is nothing nothing I can do until he passes that gas.

So I rock, and sing, and walk, and dance him. Trying anything everything to help him. Leg roles, bicycle kicks, tummy rubs, burps… Lots and lots of burping.

The crying continues, the screaming continues.

Does he know I’m here, does he know I love him, does he know we aren’t a CIO family and I would never ever just let him cry. Does he know how badly I want him to feel better.

Mama wants to take away the pain, mama would put you back inside so you never had to go through this.

I love breastfeeding but right now I HATE it. I know it’s causing him gas.

Maybe I should suck it up and give him Form….. Who am I kidding we can’t afford that.

No sleep and the dark starts seeping in. All that I did to prevent this and here it is slipping through the crack.. The crack of colic.

So right now we are crying, both of us. Crying cause he hurts. Crying for calm. Crying for sleep, crying

Laughter because I’ve gone crazy

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By myself

I cried. 2 days left and I cried.

Why?

Because my rock, my partner, my strength returns to work on Monday. I don’t want him to go. I know he has to, but I wish he didn’t. These two weeks have flown. This time two weeks ago my water was breaking, and my world was changing.
Through it all my husband was there with me step by step. Even when I wouldn’t let him touch me, I knew he was there. By my side getting me what ever I needed.
This go around has been great. Having him here has been great. Baby has his days and nights mixed up, so I don’t really sleep in the middle of the night. My sweet husband has made me breakfast everyday, and let me catch up of the much needed sleep. He’s been there helping me with lil one, who is going through a not listening stage. He’s been here making sure I’m feeling alright both physically and emotionally. Always putting my needs first. I’ve really enjoyed him here. We don’t get vacations, so just the fact that he has been home for longer than a weekend, has been incredible. Perfect. I really really enjoy him. He’s my best friend. It has been great hanging out with my best friend. Talking, laughing, loving.

Now it will just be me. If baby doesn’t sleep through the night, I won’t get that extra sleep. I have to take care of two kids now. Just me. And I tell you I’m nervous. Really nervous! Nervous I’m not going to be able to be mama. I’m not going to get everything done.

I’m going to FAIL…….

I’m so scared.

Lord I wish my husband could stay home. I miss him already. I’m gonna cherish these last two days with everything.

I hope I can do this…

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Robbed

So many of you know that we have welcomed a new bundle of joy. We have a new little boy in our lives and I’m telling you I’m loving every min of it.
How am I doing? I’m doing GREAT! My spirits high. Now granted I’m only on day 5 of this, but I feel great. Now I do have some aches, I did birth a baby. And I tore and had bleeding that needed stitches. Those are pretty tender. My nipples hurt, because baby just wants to nurse all night. But all of this comes with giving birth.
My emotions though are doing freaking AWESOME!
Which is surprising to me. I don’t want to come of as bragging, because I have been there, but

Ahhhhhh!!! YES YES YES!!!

This whole time I’ve been SO SO worried that I was going to experience the hell that is PPD. I have done so many things to prevent it from cursing this my family and I, but even then I had my reservations. Yet here I am, with no sleep, and I’m the non grumpy one in the house.

I feel robbed!

This is what I was suppose to experience when lil was born! This is what dare I say “normal” feels like? I can tell the difference. I remember so vividly how I felt on this day 3 years ago. I was a complete wreck. Full of all the tears, rage, lack of motivation, and FEAR. I feel robbed that I didn’t get to experience this happiness with lil. That he didn’t get to have this complete mom that baby has. It was not fair. And I’m angry at those who told me that oh it was just baby blues. Making me live with it thinking it would just go away.

I’m here to say NO IT WAS NOT BABY BLUES. And shame on you for telling me it was, to just suck it up.
What I had was real and should have never been looked over.

Now I’m not jumping the gun. I do understand that I’m only on day 5. So we really don’t know. And I’m not going to just stop taking my medications because of this feeling. I’m gonna keep working, fighting, praying to stay healthy. I at least know the signs, know where to go, and what to do, to get help. I know the people who are my support.
I’m excited that we have been out in public and I’m not ready to buckle down and hermit this time. That I’m not having major paranoid thoughts. This makes me hopeful that this may not happen this time around?

All I can do is have hope and faith.

We shall see.

I’m still hanging in there. Taking one baby step at a time.

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2013 I will miss thy

We are sitting here, the morning of New Year’s Eve, and I’m nervous. 2013 has been a great year for my family and I. Everywhere I look, people are talking about how they are ready for this year to be over… I’m not. This year has been the year of blessings for us.

Now I’m not saying it’s been an easy year, we have had our lows, but there has been more highs then lows. Our biggest high being we are I am pregnant with our second child. Baby duck is growing strong, moving around and letting us know that he/she is ready to be a part of our family.
I turned the big 30 this year, and I’m really enjoying this age. My lil man is getting so big. All the words he has. He is SO SMART (in kindergarten) He even over came a fear of his and went under water in the big pool. We moved this year. And not to another apartment or condo. We are in a real house. No shared walls, my own backyard, and own driveway. We got a new car. My sweet Sherman had enough. So we had to get a new one, I got a grown up car (Sheldon is his name) No not a mini van but a real family car that my family fits comfy in, and in not ashamed to drive it in Dublin.
My sweet hubs is moving along in his job. He is a very important part of his company. And they want to make him more. I’m so very proud of him.
This year my church has became so important to us. I can’t even begin to thank them for everything they have done for us. And; and, I’m simi doing a dream of mine through them. I’m a Sunday school teacher.. Ahhh! I love it.
And last but not least 2013 has introduced me to an amazing group of people, whom I value, and trust, and love.

With all of that how can I not be a little nervous, afraid, scared, for the New Year? We are going to be a family of 4. Will I be able to handle 2 kids on my own? Will my PPD return with this one? Will we be able to keep up this blessing momentum, or has it run out?
Will our raised beds do good this year? Unlike our rented garden we had high hopes for. Will I maintain the wonderful friendships I’ve made this year?

Ugh, there is just so much uncertainty going into 2014. But I guess all I can do is put it in God’s hands and see where he takes us. Deal with whatever comes our way with as much grace and dignity as we can, and most of all just love. Love, ourselves, each other, and the outside world. As my sister says “Jesus take the wheel..” 2014 bring it on! But please be gentle….
Jesus take the wheel

Good deed?

Why why why must there be evil in world? Why can’t things just be easy?

Lil and I went to Walmart I know crazy right before Christmas and we were putting the groceries in the car. A lady came up to me with Christmas cards and a candy cane asking for money so that she could get her son a Christmas present.

Well I didn’t have any cash on me so I asked her how much the present was. She said $20. I asked her if I could take her into the store and buy it for her. She said of course. Said a bunch of God bless me’s and we were off.
We got in the store, we got him a $20 gift came back out and that was it.

So why can’t I just enjoy the feeling of doing something nice, the way The Lord intended me to? Because of the world we live in. This whole time I was with this lady all I could think about was is she running a scam on me?

I kept my son close, when I checked out I used credit, I kept all receipts, check the receipts to make sure the cashier wasn’t in on it and charged me something else (you have heard of that scam right?) and hoped and prayed as I quickly walked back to the car, that it wasn’t broken into.

As I write this I’m still going through my head wondering if there is a scam I missed. I hate, hate, hate this!!! Why can’t I just be happy that I did something nice? Ugh poo on the world!

Not my classic nightmare

So I just woke up from a horrid dream. It wasn’t like my usual nightmares. Usually if I have a bad dream it involves a bad guy. Freddy Kruger ranks as top bad guy for me. He has plagued my dreams since the first time I saw him at the ripe age of 5. He still does to this day. I’m getting better at defeating him in my older age though. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been around much. Other nightmares I have usually include someone/thing trying to kill me and my love ones. Lately I have been having dreams about my baby dying. Which I get. With all of the mamas out there I know who have lost their sweet ones I’m not surprised by these dreams. They suck but I’m not surprised by them. (In another post I will share what rolls people play in my dreams)
This dream tonight took my for a loop. I’m guessing it stemmed from lil keeping me up the last few nights with his constant need to want to sleep with me. I don’t know but wow. So here is the dream.

We were at church which we will be getting ready for in an hour and I went to take lil back to the nursery. (Which right there is out of the ordinary. Normally hubs does because I’m usually getting things ready because I teach) anywho we were walking to the nursery and had to make a detour because lil had to potty. No big deal. We get in the bathroom and lil can’t get his pants off. Neither can I. And if u know what stage lil is in when it comes to potty you would understand my minor freak out. he waits till the last min to go. We get his pants down and he starts going…. EVERYWHERE!! The walls, the floor, his pulled down pants, EVERYWHERE. So I’m trying to control his wink wink and I just can’t. Right now this sounds funny but as a mom that is horrifying. Cause not only do you have to clean him up, you have to some how explain that to someone so you can get the mess cleaned up. And people were coming into the bathroom. Which had no doors? I’m yelling at him asking him what are you doing. Pee the right way pee the right way. And he just didn’t seem to get it! I look down and he’s got one shoe off and is standing in the toilet. (Side note I have MAJOR OCD when it comes to cleanliness) finally he’s done I’m a lil angry but I get him cleaned and go to hunt down someone about the mess. I thought I took lil to the nursery but when I get back with help he’s eating an ice cream cone with the big kids…. HELLO a 3 year old with a cone… I take the cone away and proceed to take him back to the nursery. And guess what? He has to potty again. I’m a little more angry because we had just gone, and after what happened last time you can see why I’m hesitant. This time I find a toilet that is lower so he can stand on his own. He starts going and this time it comes shooting up at us. Really? I’m yelling push it down push it down, and he isn’t understanding. People are now coming in to see what the yelling is about. Staring at me because I’m yelling at my child and how dare I yell at him. (Y’all know the type) after a Really long pee and another mess we go to wash our hands. When I turn around after washing mine he’s gone. My lil one has left the bathroom and wondered off. Enter panic with major anger. He KNOWS better! So now I have a pee mess and a missing child. I go and hunt my son down. He is out playing with the big kids. I’ve had enough. Screw the mess I’m done. I crab his hand mumble something about being in HUGE trouble and proceed to storm out of church. Everyone is looking at me. Some try to say hi but I avoid them. (Side note I’m never angry at church. Many people in general unless u are close to me get to see my angry side. I usually have that in check) we get out to the car I buckle his butt in the car seat… And this punk has the nerve to unbuckle his straps and get out for a rock. I’m shaking by this time with anger, embarrassment all of that. Luckily I wake up.

I have never ever ever been that upset at anyone. Let alone MY SON. My son would never do any of this. Yes he’s in his horrible three stage, but this, this would never happen.

I know some of you are laughing. Because there are worst dreams to have, but as a mom there isn’t. The nightmare wasn’t about pee on the walls it was about not having control. Not having control over your child and people judging. Not just strangers, these are people you know. People you will see again. People who once respected you. They are now judging you as a person, and you as a mom. And in those moments there is absolutely nothing you can do to get that control back. Nothing. And me being a huge introvert wanting to run not crawl but run and hide in my shell, but I just can’t get there. This for me is worse than any Freddy trying to kill me. In those dreams I could fight back, run. This dream I was just stuck. Stuck dealing with it all. The anger, the embarrassment, the fear, the stares, the mess, the child, all of it. My nightmare.

So would you think that was a nightmare? What do you think it’s telling me? Because in essence isn’t a dream just thoughts and things in your sub-contiguous mind?