Please leave

I’ve not been here for a while, life has a way of sneaking up on you, leaving you no time for anything else. 

I’m still around. But I just wanted to say if you are a Trump supporter, if you voted for him, please leave. Don’t follow me. Don’t read anymore. I can’t and won’t be around anyone who thinks what he has done and condones is ok. 

So leave and don’t come back. 

My family’s life is endangered and I won’t be around those who put it there. 

To the rest. Thank you for your continued support and love. 

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The cloud

I had forgot what it felt like. This; this,  was a little different. The heaviness, the darkness. In the past it was more of a sadness I couldn’t shake. Motivation to do anything was gone. 

I can’t describe this feeling. I didn’t want to exist anymore. I didn’t want to be. What was going on? Let me see if this is a rational thought…

“Honey, do you ever just not want to do life anymore?”

“There are times where I don’t want to do parts of my life. Like work. I would rather be here with you, but life as a whole. I still want to live.” 

Well crap ok I guess that wasn’t a rational thought. I really am in a funk. How did I get here? The tiny part of my brain that is rowing through the fog yells “IT’S MOST LIKELY YOUR HORMONES. FIGHT THROUGH IT!”  The fog clouds over and I can no longer hear it. 

“What’s the matter honey?” My hubs asks. 

“I’m in a bad funk right now. I can’t seem to shake it.” 

“Did something happen today? Did you remember your medicine?”

“Took meds and it was a good day. But right now I feel myself plummeting.”  

“Is there anything I can do for you? Tell me.” 

“I don’t know. I can’t feel. My emotions are gone.” 

He proceeds to stop my sons from climbing on me. He seemed to know I needed space. I have a good hubs. I continue to argue with myself. It’s like having and angel and devil on my shoulders. I wonder if the person who came up with that was depressed? Right now the devil is winning. The fog is so thick that I almost tell my husband to take me to the hospital. I don’t want to do life. I want it to end. But that little rower is fighting. “YOU HAVE TO FIGHT. YOUR KIDS, YOUR HUSBAND NEED YOU!” I wanna die, but I don’t wanna die. I think I need someone to make me not die. I’m fighting. Fighting. I tell my husband I’m in a bad funk again. And let my friend know. Good; people who know me have been told… That’s a good step in the right direction. What else… Ok do what you like. Dance. I love to dance. I’m not ready to dance so I turn on music. Music is good. Music feels right. My baby comes into the room and dances to the music. This makes me happy. The fog is lifting. Both boys are here. I’m dancing. Ok. I’m getting better. My husband comes and checks on me. Tells me how much he loves me. I tell him I’m in a funk, but it’s lifting. Lack of sleep, stress, trying and failing to keep things afloat, and these horrible dreams I’m having when I do sleep are not helping me. My wonderful husband reassures me that we made promises to be in this together. That’s exactly what we WILL do. He tells me how much he loves me some more. And kisses me. 

Whoo. I’m out of that cloud. It’s not gone. But I’m not in the middle of it. I’m going to hopefully make it to my friends house tomorrow. If the darn gas people get here at a decent time.

That’s was exhausting. I go outside to see the comets. I saw a few. My baby comes out and I have the privilege of rocking him. Under the beautiful night sky. I hum “twinkle twinkle little star”. It’s like he knows I needed this extra love. He squeezes me tight.  Telling me don’t go, live, I need you. And with that I feel better. The fog is still hovering, but not covering. Hopefully with some sleep it will leave, but not forgetten. I won this round. And I will continue to win. I have to. I want to. I will. 

Big sister 

I was going to just post this on Facebook but I felt it needed more space. 

My sister. My big sister. She has been a staple of my life since the beginning. The one true constant. My memories of her go far back to when I was two. She’s my first memory. 

When you think of the oldest, the first; she fits the description perfectly. 

She’s ambitious, determined, strong, a perfectionist, independent, and hard working. She’s also very loving and kind. Just don’t tell her that. 

She’s a fixer. When I see Olivia Pope, I think of my sister. (Just without all the sex, and killing people) when my dad died and my mom was not mentally able to take care of us. My sister took care of us. Miles away. She was a freshman in college. And instead of going out drinking which I’m sure she did, since she was the one who got me drunk for the first time. She was ordering pizza for us, from college, because we had no dinner. She was helping me fill out fasfa while filling out her own. She was helping me get scholarships, and helping me advance my education because she wanted better for us. 

Not only was she helping her family, but she was, and is paving the way for other minorities. I can’t even begin to list all the things she has accomplished in her line of work as a woman of color. 

We both are trying to make this world an equal opportunity for our kids and others. She through her career, me through family. Both working to prove We, woman of color, are not what you see on TV. We aren’t neck rolling, gum smacking baby mamas, taking advantage of the system. We are hard working, educated, women who want just as much, if not more, as our counterpart. 

As of late, my sister has found, that not every person wants to be better. People are fine living the stigma. They are fine with status quo. And it’s breaking her heart. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s heart breaking to me also. I want more for my boys, I want more for me. I’ve just came to the conclusion that there’s got to be someone out there doing the things that the go getters aren’t going to do. 

Being that she’s the fixer, this is unexceptable to her. 

“I know it just disappointed me so much.  It hurt my heart to read it.  I just don’t understand.” Big sister  

I wish I could give her the answers. But I don’t have them. All I can do is keep on fighting. Fighting for more, fighting to show her that there are people who are striving for the same goal. 

I love you big sis. Thank you for giving me the knowledge to know I’m worth more.

  

Fear release

Today was our 5th week in our hypnobirth class. And it was a tough one for me. I’m still processing it. Pure exhaustion is all I have. Granted the time change probably had a huge part in me being tired, I’m pretty sure doing the fear release took me to the edge.

So hypnobirth in its simplest form that I can explain is relaxation. Being able to find relaxation so that you can have a peaceful birth.
Now that’s just my interpretation I’m sure there is a more in-depth way to explain, but this is how I think of it.

Today we went through our fears. Any and all fears we have about birth. From day one of this class we were told to stay away from anything that was not positive about birth. That’s been tough. With social media and TV. Negativity is every where. I’ve done pretty good at cutting it out, but I would be lying if I said nothing got in. One of my biggest fears involves an experience another mom has had. And I’m not going to talk about it but it’s there.

So today we had a fear release session. Because when you have those fears they stay with you and make it hard for you to relax and enjoy the experience. It makes you tense up which is the opposite of what you want while birthing. So we let it go.

We started out by getting in a deep relaxing state. Relaxing our whole body. From there we visualized our favorite place. A place where we feel safe and calm. In that place we sat in a big comfy chair.
We pulled out a white book. This book has the story of our lives. We opened it to the very center. Where we are today. On each page was our fears. With each page we would see our fears big and bold. Then the fear would start to disappear and fall to the floor as a crumbled piece of paper. We picked up all the paper stuffed it in a bag and threw it in an incinerator. The bag burned and the ashes blew away. (This is not all that was said this is just the short version. Whole session took 30 mins)
We then got to see our babies. Look into his or her eyes. And just enjoyed that moment. Knowing that we were strong enough to have the calm birth we wanted. It was so peaceful, such a wonderful feeling.
We then found ourselves on a stage facing all the people we have given power too. This was the changing moment for me. We cut the rope that they had over us. Rather it was good or bad we took our power back. That was such a defying moment. To take my power back, to take it so that I will become a stronger person. So that I can be a stronger mother. So that I will just be strong. That took a lot out of me. Getting rid of my fears and finally taking back my power. Cutting that rope was so powerful.

So now I’m here drained but free. I’m truly ready to have the calm birth that was taken away from me with my first. To know that rather I have an epidural or do this natural. (I WILL DO THIS NATURAL) or God for bid have a c-section all will be calm and peaceful. And it will be the birth that is just right for my sweet baby and for me. I will be in control, because I will be relaxed and calm. And that’s all that I ever ever wanted.

To a peaceful and relaxing birth. I can do this.

Last and final

This is the last and final time I will explain our choice to homeschool. So don’t ask, judge, criticize or anything else that’s not positive. We are and will be homeschooling our children no matter how you may or may not feel about the subject. These are our kids. Not yours. You have or are raising YOUR children the way to want to. So leave us be.
Let me start off by thanking all who have supported us in this decision. It is truly a decision that wasn’t made lightly. It was thought about and discussed countless times before it was made. So thank you. Also I am no way trying to shame or put others down. This is OUR decision for OUR kids. We are doing what WE think is best for them, just as you are doing what you think is best for yours. Which as a parent that’s all you can do. These are OUR opinions and thoughts, for OUR circumstance. Which may be totally different from yours. So I do not want to see hate replies about how you work, or about your kids school. That works for your family and I support you and respect you in those choices as I expect the same in return.

Now that we got that out of the way. Goodness. If only we didn’t judge others I could eliminate a whole paragraph.

As I stated before this is the last time I’m explaining to those around us why WE choose to homeschool our children.
First lets just start off by saying no we didn’t make this choice because of religious reasons. While religion will be taught and is a part of our curriculums, it won’t be the over all basis. The curriculums we follow or put together will be very much math/science based. Yes Hubs and I are religious to a certain degree. But we believe religion is a journey a person has to take for themselves to figure out what works best for them. We don’t think its something that can be forced. We both have taken a long and hard journey separately and together to get where we are today. Yes we both believe in God. We both believe that he flows through everything we do today. But our belief with him is about LOVE. That is it. All he ever wanted was for us to believe in him and to love. Know that he loves us NO MATTER what we have done, or haven’t done. No matter who we are or who we aren’t. And through that love we are to love ALL the same way he does. The same way his son did. And that’s it. With all of that being said. Hubs and I know that God gave us a great power of thought. And with that thought came science. And even though we believe in the higher power, we believe way too much in science. We believe in the big bang theory, we know that evolution DID and still is happening. But unfortunately the world as we know it isn’t ran by science. Dude if it was, could you just imagine the differences? The wars that wouldn’t have been fought, the people who still would be alive. The freedoms we ALL could have. Its not though. Its ran by many different religions and beliefs. So that is why we will be teaching religion in our curriculums. Our children need to know the truth in all religions so that they are able to make the best decisions possible about their lives. We won’t be only teaching about Christianity. We will be hitting upon All religions, at least the best we can, with the information we can find.

So why then are we homeschooling? Because we have no faith in the education system as we know it today. It is too test driven. Too money driven. And I’m sorry but my child isn’t there to make your school district money. He is there to learn everything he can possibly learn to make him THE BEST citizen he can be. That’s not the route the school districts have taken. So lets just address some concerns.

“I don’t think you should homeschool because your children won’t be socialized very well.”

To that my response is yes they will. Lil gets to go to church every Sunday and he hangs with those kids. From there we go to different play areas that have many, many different kids his own age. I also have a really good friend who’s daughter is his age. He gets to hang out with, and if that isn’t good enough, I have spoken to several different homeschool groups that he will be joining as he gets older. That paired with sports, and other activities I’m pretty sure he will be plenty socialized.

“I’m a teacher and have had plenty of homeschool children. They are always behind and aren’t very well behaved. Their parents don’t really teach them anything. Then when they come to school Its such a hassle to get them up to par.”

First off who do you think I am? You must not really know ME. I graduated with an education degree. Granted it concentrated in Agriculture, but none the less it was still and education degree. And I wanted to become a teacher. Then I was educated myself, and realized it wasn’t like it was when I was growing up. You have been a teacher for 20 plus years. Things have changed. You didn’t have to worry about your job because lucky you, you had a tenure. So if your students failed tests, and didn’t make the district the money they needed, they still had a hard time firing you. I can’t bank that my children will get a teacher who is in the exact situation as you. Most likely they are going to get a teacher who is fresh out of college, and after 2008 they are very lucky to have a job. They are going to teach to the test. They NEED Their kids to pass the test so they have a job next year. That’s just the fact of the matter. They may be the best teacher in the world, but because of a lovely president…BUSH… They are going to follow every rule to keep their houses, and car payments. There is SO much more out there to learn than just what a test wants you to learn. After talking to a teacher that hasn’t been there as long, But I trust this teacher with my LIFE, and the knowledge I have, the students have NO think for yourself skills. They have to be told and hand held though every grade level. Because they learn and memorize what is on these test, and anything else is SO foreign to them. Then these same children grow up enter the work force, where my lovely hubs is a supervisor to them. And because of this hand holding, they had in school, they have to be hand held in the work force. They have to be told step by step what to do and how to do it. The are like little robots. I don’t want that for my children.
My hubs didn’t get to finish college, but he sure as heck didn’t get to where he is in that company by his hand being held. He took charge on his own. His boss knows if there is a problem, he will figure it out on his own, if they give him a project he will complete it with out their help. That’s what companies are looking for. They don’t want to be there helping you every step of the way. That’s the values I was taught. I didn’t get where I did in my job by my boss telling me what to every step. I saw the problem and worked to help fix it. If she had to tell me what to do every min, she would have never hired me. I want my children to have that. I don’t want them to be sheeple. I want them to take charge, I want their bosses to know they can be depended on. I want them to think out of the box so that maybe one day They will be the CEO’s. But with the way the Public schools are going that’s not what they will become.

Also if you really knew me you would know that I’m not in anyway lazy. My brain just doesn’t work that way. Yes I am a stay at home mom in all since of the word. I clean clean clean. I make sure the dogs, and my hubs are taken care of. I make sure the house is running smoothly, I cook, and did I say clean? I run all the errands that have to be done during the day when hubs is at work, I go to appointments and schedule appointments. So while hubs is at work he can concentrate on that. He doesn’t have to worry about what is going on here. All that being said my number one role, The thing I wake up everyday doing and thinking about before I go to bed, is to take care of our children. What are we going to do today, make sure its educational so that even if they don’t know it I know they are learning. Making sure they are happy, that they know that no matter what Mommy and Daddy love them and will always always be there for them. Making sure they know they matter, and that their thoughts and emotions mean something. As much as I would love to watch my soaps I don’t get to, because their needs come first. As much as I want to be some great blogger, or some big time leader or fighter for something, I’m not because their needs come first. And they will always come first. Besides that do you not know your son? He came from a money driven home. You all raised him that way. Do you honestly think he enjoys not being able to make payments on time? Not being able to own HIS own house? Not being able to own the newest tech gadget out there, or being able to play the new video game the day it comes out instead of a year after it came out. Not getting the sifi channel because we don’t have cable? Because after 10 years of knowing this man, I know for a fact that he SO wished our money situation was different. And It could be if I was working a job that paid. We sacrifice in order to make sure our children are cared for by us. His biggest pet peeve is when someone says to him “oh I wish we could do that” Because you could. Its all about what are you willing to give up for your children. Technically we cant, and if you lived the way we did, you would be running back to your jobs. But its what we do so that we insure our kids get what we think they need. So we do it. So do you think your son would let me sit here and do nothing all day, living the way we are living? I don’t think so.

I hope I have answered all your questions. If not too bad. We will and are going to be homeschooling our kids. And so far I think and I know you know we are doing a Damn good job at it. Lil is 3 years old working at a kindergarten grade level. So back the F up. Because I got this and won’t let my child fail. That’s not an option.

2 New pages….

I don’t really have the hang of this whole blogging thing yet, so I’m not for sure if you get notifacations when I write pages. Pages on my blog are the same as posts, I just separated them into catigories to stay organized. I know I know ocd sorry. So I guess I’ll write a “post” reminder when I do a specific page? I don’t know? Let me know if you are getting notifications and I will stop this, or if you know a better way of doing this. I am ALWAYS open to learning!!!

Two new pages are:

Under Black Homesteader What? : Old washer SO much better than New

Under Homeschool Adventures: Getting started Pre-curriculum

 

I hope you enjoy.

Excuse me for a min

Ok my mind is racing 1000 mph! I feel so overwhelmed by life lately. My mood is up and down up and down. It’s worse in the night though, when I have time to think.
I’m pretty sure I need to go see my doc to talk about my meds, but we don’t have the money for that right now.

So I suffer

Life is good for me. My little boy is just sprouting both physically and mentally. My hubs is doing great things at his job and is even working on balancing home and life better.

So what the hell is wrong with me?

I don’t have a clue? One min I’m excited for life, my heart is spilling with love. The next I’m sitting here hating life not knowing who I am. Wanting to be someone else.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Twice this week I’ve not wanted to do anything but lay around. I don’t, mostly because lil one will not stand for it, but I want to.
I was people watching today at the library and this mom was so calm with her three boys and in return they were sweet little boys. All I could think about was I wish I was her. My boy is so sweet and so loving. I want to be that calm with him. He deserves that!

What is wrong with me.

Every night this week I’ve drank camomile tea to help calm my brain. It’s working a little bit, but I’m sick of these feelings running rapid. I want peace.

I love my life, I love what I have made of it I love what I do, I love who’s in it…. So why am I dare I say it…. Unhappy?

What is wrong with me?

Lord please help me get over this bump. Please let me enjoy the beauty you have placed in my life. I place it in your hands. Please heal me from the inside out. In you name I pray.

Late Valentines

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So I know Valentines is long gone, but I’m such a hopeless romantic. I really am. I love love. I’m a sucker for a romantic film and get upset if they don’t live happily ever after.
Which is why I’m so lucky to be married to my hubs. He still believes and practices old gentleman policies. He kisses my hand for no reason, opens doors, and makes sure he walks on the side of the traffic while we are walking down the street. This beautiful man dances with me in the kitchen ballroom style to commercials.
He’s been working very hard at work lately and I’m so proud of how far he’s gone in his company. And I went to school and worked so I totally understand how it works.

I still miss him terribly..

We are not a couple who goes on vacations separately, we don’t spend nights away from each other well, and we only do that if we really have to. Hell if its not work related we don’t do 2 hours well apart.

yes we are that dependent which may be a bad thing, but works wonderful for us
Which is why I’ve been in such a funk this week. With him working so late he gets home eats then off to bed. My world doesn’t do so well without him. My soul knew he was missing and thus the crappy week.

How do you deal when your other half is away?

Hubs and I have a song as most couples. Ours is

Come Away With Me

by Nora Jones.
come away with me which we waltzed to at our wedding
Lately though I’ve been feeling

Just A Kiss

By Lady Antebellum.
Every time I hear this song it takes me back to our first kiss. In my room. We were best friends long before we ever dated. yes the term I married my best friend applies here It was awkward to kiss him, but felt so right. And we both kinda freaked after because we didn’t want to mess up our wonderful friendship. But ugh that was a moment in time I will ALWAYS remember.

Do you have a song like that with your special someone?
So for this late Valentines I’m sending this our to all of you hopeless romantics may you alway have and share love.
To my Valentines my wonderful hubs, I love you more than the word love could possibly describe. This song is for you my sweet. I hope it takes you back to that lovey first kiss that started us on this beautiful path just as it does for me…

Just a kiss

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Here and Now

Well as I embark on my first adventure in the blogging would, I want to first thank anyone who reads this. My spelling isn’t always that great sorry. This is just me getting things out. Thank you once again.

So today Im all banged up. I was hoping I would be able to get this darn brace off and that didn’t happen. I’m getting better at taking care of my little one. He’s a really easy boy. I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’m a little frustrated. I have a bit of a control issue. I like things clean and in their place. And I can’t really do that with my knee. I try so hard to let go, but that doesn’t happen. When I do I have a horrible day the next day. I know sounds crazy. That’s my OCD talking. It’s ok life keeps moving, and with baby steps I will make it