So this is happening 

Before I start I want to introduce you to Baby Steps newest baby feet. 

Born 9/10/17 our newest member came soring in, to complete our family. I am a mommy of 3 beautiful boys. WOW! 

His birth story is soon to come. 

Tomorrow at 1:40 my husband is getting a vasectomy. I sit here 12 hours before with mixed emotions. It’s officially the end of this era for us. I’m very surprised to be feeling this way to tell you the truth. 

You see we had a plan. Married by 25, three kids, three years apart, before I was 35. And we completed all of that. I’m ecstatic that we actually stuck to our plan. No oops, no giving up, just straight with the plan. We both agreed on the plan and while I’m pretty sure I do not want to be pregnant again, or to go through labor again, or postpartum depression again, I’m sad that we are actually done. There will be no more babies for us. No more heart beats, no more feeling the baby kick, no more meeting a baby, daddy cutting the cord, first diapers, sleepless nights and baby coos. And while some of those things made me or is making me misserable. It’s also making me want to run and tell him not to get it done. I change my mind. Because the thought of not having that ever again is pretty terrifying. It’s like something is being taken from me. Even though I’m willingly giving it up. 

This probably doesn’t make any since seeing that it’s not even me going through it. Hubs is. The only thing he’s worried about is the 1% chance of something happening and he ends up on the blue pill. Men I tell you.

What is wrong with me? Maybe because I’ve always had something big in life to look forward to. And I guess I don’t know what that next big thing in my life is gonna be is what’s getting me? What comes after having babies? We never made a plan for after 35. I like plans and goals and now without this I’m gonna be flapping in the breeze. 

I guess I’ll figure it out. I’m nervous as all get out about it. 

At least I’ll always have this. This place helped me through postpartum depression. It was here when I didn’t think I would get through that. So maybe writing today will show me where I’m to go after this? I’ll just follow the words above and take it a baby step at a time. Wish me luck


Thought of the day 2

Thought of the day…. if a person is medically declared dead when they no longer have brain activity, why do we have laws declaring someone living at the first sign of a heart beat? If life is based on brain activity then technically life doesn’t begin until 24 weeks inside the womb. 24 weeks – 26 weeks is about the time a baby can survive outside of the womb…… something to think about

Mama’s here

Rocking, bouncing, walking..
Feeding, burping, spit-up….throw-up


My sweet baby is not doing so good. His poor tummy is not being kind. Tonight was an even worse night than usual. He’s throwing-up. I’m not talking about his usual spit up, I’m talking full on throw-up with gagging and all.. My poor boy. He’s soaked, I’m soaked. We both smell of sour milk.

We get changed, should I feed him again? He’s rooting around, he’s looking for more. Is it wise? Will he throw-up again? The mama in me says he wouldn’t be rooting if he didn’t want anymore.


I let him nurse. Why is he throwing up? Was it the camomile tea? Did I give him too much? Was it the ice-cream I had after dinner? Is it too too much air?
He detaches with a shriek. I immediately start patting, rocking. Crying starts. The patting isn’t working. He’s screaming now. “I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “I’m so so sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

“It’s ok my love, mama’s here. Mama’s here.” He slows his crying. I must have found the right bounce. We shall keep this going.

My back hurts. But I must keep bouncing. I’ll keep going for him.

Oo is he sleep? We have been at this for hours now, my back hurts, I have to pee, I’m so sleepy…. Gonna sit down, and no he’s crying again, screaming…

“I’m so so sorry you are hurting”

Colic sucks!!!

Rocking, bouncing, walking, apologizing.


That smile only happens while sleep. The pain happens when awake. Colic sucks!

Colic really?

Never thought it would happen to me.

Here I am. I have a baby with colic. He’s so gassy that he’s in pain. Pain that causes him to cry, squill, scream! And there is nothing nothing I can do until he passes that gas.

So I rock, and sing, and walk, and dance him. Trying anything everything to help him. Leg roles, bicycle kicks, tummy rubs, burps… Lots and lots of burping.

The crying continues, the screaming continues.

Does he know I’m here, does he know I love him, does he know we aren’t a CIO family and I would never ever just let him cry. Does he know how badly I want him to feel better.

Mama wants to take away the pain, mama would put you back inside so you never had to go through this.

I love breastfeeding but right now I HATE it. I know it’s causing him gas.

Maybe I should suck it up and give him Form….. Who am I kidding we can’t afford that.

No sleep and the dark starts seeping in. All that I did to prevent this and here it is slipping through the crack.. The crack of colic.

So right now we are crying, both of us. Crying cause he hurts. Crying for calm. Crying for sleep, crying

Laughter because I’ve gone crazy


Something is up

I’m calling BULL on something.
I was admiring not really, I was looking at myself in the mirror tonight.
What you don’t look at yourself? I can’t be the only one… Right?

Anywho I was looking and was noticing how everything has decided to settle. And well, it’s totally different from when I had lil. To be honest, I’m not very happy about it.
Now before you start, I have never been one who is stuck on my body. But I do like to be healthy and look decent. I love my curves. So you don’t have to worry about me. But I’m calling bull on the perfect after baby body that the celebs keep showing us.
How the heck are they getting these bodies? I’m not a loud to lift my 39 pound son, for these first two weeks. I’m not aloud to drive, or even mop. That’s only for the first two weeks. For 6 weeks I’m still suppose to be taking it easy. (Meaning no heavy workouts). So 2 weeks after these celebs have their babies, how are they coming out with rock hard abs, and “smoking bodies?”

Are these rules just rules my midwives have given me, or is this universal, and are these celebs are breaking them?
Someone please tell me? I can’t work out work out until after 6 weeks and not to diet because I’m breastfeeding.
Which is fine by me. Mama needs to be healthy.
And I know woman have been having babies for years, and it’s not a medical thing, but you did just have a baby. Your body just went through a lot. Things need to heal, hormones need to get back in order.

So I’m calling bull. These celebs aren’t following the rules.

What do you think?


So many of you know that we have welcomed a new bundle of joy. We have a new little boy in our lives and I’m telling you I’m loving every min of it.
How am I doing? I’m doing GREAT! My spirits high. Now granted I’m only on day 5 of this, but I feel great. Now I do have some aches, I did birth a baby. And I tore and had bleeding that needed stitches. Those are pretty tender. My nipples hurt, because baby just wants to nurse all night. But all of this comes with giving birth.
My emotions though are doing freaking AWESOME!
Which is surprising to me. I don’t want to come of as bragging, because I have been there, but

Ahhhhhh!!! YES YES YES!!!

This whole time I’ve been SO SO worried that I was going to experience the hell that is PPD. I have done so many things to prevent it from cursing this my family and I, but even then I had my reservations. Yet here I am, with no sleep, and I’m the non grumpy one in the house.

I feel robbed!

This is what I was suppose to experience when lil was born! This is what dare I say “normal” feels like? I can tell the difference. I remember so vividly how I felt on this day 3 years ago. I was a complete wreck. Full of all the tears, rage, lack of motivation, and FEAR. I feel robbed that I didn’t get to experience this happiness with lil. That he didn’t get to have this complete mom that baby has. It was not fair. And I’m angry at those who told me that oh it was just baby blues. Making me live with it thinking it would just go away.

I’m here to say NO IT WAS NOT BABY BLUES. And shame on you for telling me it was, to just suck it up.
What I had was real and should have never been looked over.

Now I’m not jumping the gun. I do understand that I’m only on day 5. So we really don’t know. And I’m not going to just stop taking my medications because of this feeling. I’m gonna keep working, fighting, praying to stay healthy. I at least know the signs, know where to go, and what to do, to get help. I know the people who are my support.
I’m excited that we have been out in public and I’m not ready to buckle down and hermit this time. That I’m not having major paranoid thoughts. This makes me hopeful that this may not happen this time around?

All I can do is have hope and faith.

We shall see.

I’m still hanging in there. Taking one baby step at a time.


To have or Not to have that is the question

Now that we are finally moved into the house, and rooms are becoming full of less and less boxes I have time to start thinking/planning for baby duck.
I’ve asked this question now several times and no one has really answered. I know that I’m only 15 weeks, but heck I’m a planner. Just in my genetics.
So the question is:

Should I have a second baby shower?

Is it proper to? I looked it up and everything I find says it’s ok to have one under these circumstances:

1- If baby is a different sex
2- If having multiples
3- If kids are a good distance in age apart
4- If having a baby with different partner.

I understand all of this, but I kinda really want another party. Is that greedy of me?
I like the celebration of the baby and me being a mama. I was filling out baby’s book and there is a spot that talks about what their baby shower was like. And I never want to make one child feel less than the other. When baby is older am I suppose to tell them that oh you were second so you didn’t have one?
We don’t find out the sex of the baby, team green so I don’t know if this will be a girl until it’s born. The distance apart will only be 3 years.
And lets face it, I’ve hit the age where my birthday is no longer a big deal, so it would be nice to be celebrated for a moment.
that must sound so bad

We really don’t need much. We kept everything from lil. The only new things we need are a double stroller and cloth diapers (we are gonna do only cloth this time) that’s it.

If I did have a shower I would LOVE LOVE a frozen meal party. Last time with having pneumonia, ppd, and being a new mom… My poor hubs. Lets just say we at LOTS of Mac N Cheese. The family I worked for brought us dinner two nights and that was THE best thing anyone could do. Besides when hubs mom and step dad took baby for a couple hours so that we could get a nap.
So the frozen dinner thing would be awesome! Having a newborn, a 3 year old and maybe ppd again and hopefully not pneumonia again…. I don’t know if hubs will be able to do it all this time.

What do you think? I REALLY would like your input! Should I or shouldn’t I do a second party?


5 weeks- 7 weeks

Sitting here crocheting you a blanket it’s not much now but I hope I’ll finish it before you get here.

It took me forever to complete your brother’s but hey first child, first time crocheting…
I’m listening to classical music. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Have the speaker to my pelvis. I know you have no ears yet but I thought maybe this will help your cells do what they gotta do.
what are we listening to?
The classical piece to Lord of the Rings. It was a great movie that I’m SURE you dad will show you. A bit too long for me, but I do enjoy the orchestral side of it. mama is a Harry Potter girl

My phone bings.. It’s my pregnancy tracker… You’re five weeks! Tears swell in my eyes. I’m so in love with you already it scares me. So afraid that something could be wrong. And I want you so badly. I’m afraid to get too attached because you’re only 5 weeks. Still in the very scary zone. I mean until you are placed on my chest ill worry, but more so now. I hope you are ok.
Hehe your daddy is snoring beside me

And your brother is watching Thomas the Train. You will learn about him soon enough.
I hope your brother is sleeping.
Anywho I love you sweet one. Keep growing, and stay healthy and strong!


6 weeks:
So glad to be this far, but damn!!! The morning sickness is HERE!! I was not this sick with lil one. Nausea yeah, but this is horrid! I’m throwing up nauseated all the time. NO BUENO! This is a girl! Causing all this trouble. Oh and the exhaustion!!! I could seriously sleep all day. I’m a lil nervous. It’s Monday and hubs goes back to work. He’s been taking care of me so wonderful this weekend since I got hit with this, and now it will be me and lil one. When will I nap? And what happens when I feel so bad I can’t move and lil one wants to do things? I’m worried. And I can’t even ask y’all for help cause no one knows except dr, hubs, lil one. Two weeks and if all is well (heart beat and all) we will be sharing. Until then ill be over here pretending to be normal. When did you share the news?

I swear this child hates me! The sickness is horrible!!! What the heck did I know with the first? Ill do that 1st trimester again…. Minus the kidney stones… But goodness woke me up last night I felt so bad, and it feels like ill be doing this again tonight. I swear this is gotta be a girl. Lil one didn’t put me through this. And food…. I’m hungry and craving things like steak, pickles… But as soon as the plate is in front of me… It’s a no go. And to prepare the food.. Man oh man. A good chef ALWAYS tastes their food, how am I going to do that when tasting makes me run to the bathroom??

It is 2:45am and I want to sleep. Lil one is sleep hubs is sleep and I’m EXHAUSTED! Why am I still up you ask? Because mean girl (I really think its a girl) won’t let me. What could something the size of a seed possibly be doing? Making me sick as a dog. I’m so nauseous it’s not funny. And when I try to puke I get nothing. Miss thang mama wants sleep. Please…

Happy 7 weeks my sweet baby. Mama loves you so much even when you are making her sick

I think the worst part is not being able to talk to anyone. Because no one knows. My hubs just don’t get it. I’m so exhausted! Growing a baby is not easy. And I’m taking care of a 2 1/2 year old. I need an hour nap and he just don’t get it. Ugh

It’s hot man!! When I did this before I didn’t have my first trimester in the summer. The heat ain’t no joke. And as much as I HATE water, it’s became my best friend. So it seems that when ever I’m pregnant I hurt myself. With lil one it was both knees, now with this one I’ve managed to break some toes. Shaking my head!


Tomorrow is the big day to see your heart beat. I’m so excited/nervous i don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. I hope all is well in there. I’m guessing it is with all this nausea, but well you’ll soon realize that mommy is one who always is waiting for the next shoe to fall. I love you my sweet see you tomorrow.

I know where babies come from

Well I guess I really do know where babies come from.
In that post I was feeling what I thought were PMS. At least that’s what my PMS feels like.
I was wrong. I’m pregnant!!!! Ahhh. It’s really crazy. Just when I think The Lord is giving me an answer one way he gives it to me another.
I’m still in shock. I know that I’ve been praying hard on this, but the fact that it happened I’m in aww. I’m so excited about it, that it doesn’t feel real. I’m pinching myself every morning to make sure I’m not having a really good dream.
Already this pregnancy is different than my first. maybe that means its a girl? don’t know we will see in 9 months…. We are a team Green family… Drives everyone crazy but I loved the surprise. The look on hubs face when he came out… Ill never forget it.
I do have a few worries, like they don’t want me using my Xanax… And I hope my PPD doesn’t come back stronger other than that and where ate we gonna live at, I’m pretty good.
I made a promise that I would not complain this pregnancy and by golly I’m gonna try not to. I’m just gonna enjoy this ride. The ups and downs, because it goes so fast and I want to savor every moment.
It will be cool to document here. For lil one I wrote in a journal so this shall be a new adventure.

Bringing in life part 2

So they are keeping me.. Ok that’s fine his due date is tomorrow.. Right on time.
They put me in a wheel chair and wheel me to their laboring rooms which I might say are awesome!
I get out of the chair.. Ewww. That’s kinda gross!
no one told me that even after your water breaks, that you still leak.
Ok remember remember what we learned in birthing class, cause crap here comes another contraction… Im breathing I’m moving. DAMN these hurt a heck of a lot more with out any fluid
Nurse starts hooking me up to machines. She checks me I’m 4cm cool cool. Ok let’s get out the birthing ball I think that might help.
“…. You can have the ball but you gotta stay hooked up.”

…ok that’s fine I can still make this work. But let’s get it in here cause I need it. I get on the birthing ball start rocking/Rolling yeah that feels good. Moving = less pain yeah I got this. Nurse comes back in..
“Every time you move the monitor comes off and we can’t get a reading”
“Ok, but I need to move. That’s how I deal with the pain.”
“Hospital policy says that because you had meconium you have to be monitored.”
“Ok.. For how long, cause I really need to move.”
“Until the baby is born.”
….. I look at my hubs, back at the nurse, back at hubs. Crap another contraction, well let’s see if I can “not move” through this. I’m breathing breathing… Shit shit shit I can’t sit still
“Honey she’s tellin me I can’t move and dang it I have to move rock through this pain.”
“I know sweetie what do you want to do”
My hubs said he was thinking crap too. This isn’t what we learned.

I looked back at the nurse. “Well damn it if I have to sit here because of policy then you might as well give me an epi.”
“Are you sure?”
“Look hold on I’m having a contraction.”
I wasn’t sure of anything. Hubs and I wanted to see how long I could go without any meds. We weren’t against it, but we wanted a shot at trying. The only thing I was sure of at that time was that the contractions hurt like hell, and the only thing that took an edge off was to rock. And the nurse is telling me that I can’t move.
So there goes that shot, give me the dang epi.
“We are gonna call the anesthesiologist. He should be here in a couple mins.”
Yeah a couple of mins my behind. That fool took 20 mins. Do you know how hard it is to go through contractions and you aren’t aloud to use your pain management skill?!!
He finally gets here, clears out the room, and suites up. I sign my life away and sit at the edge of the bed crunched over my baby.
1. This is not comfortable
2. I’m still contracting
3. I HATE needles
But I do my best to hold still.
“You’re gonna feel a small prick feels like a bee sting” he says.
Who the heck thought that, that analogy was a good one needs to be stung by a bee. Cause I’ve been stung and that ain’t no walk in the park.
The “bee sting” happens, and now he’s gonna place this LONG needle in my back.. He sticks it in… Holy cow my leg is buzzing…. Now twitching,
“Sorry mam wrong spot..”
Yah think? Bone head. And I’m still to remain perfectly still while this dude misses and I’m contracting. This is SO not how I thought any of this would happen. Ok he’s gonna try again. He sticks the LONG needle back in…….

Part 3 to come soon..