So this is happening 

Before I start I want to introduce you to Baby Steps newest baby feet. 

Born 9/10/17 our newest member came soring in, to complete our family. I am a mommy of 3 beautiful boys. WOW! 

His birth story is soon to come. 


Tomorrow at 1:40 my husband is getting a vasectomy. I sit here 12 hours before with mixed emotions. It’s officially the end of this era for us. I’m very surprised to be feeling this way to tell you the truth. 

You see we had a plan. Married by 25, three kids, three years apart, before I was 35. And we completed all of that. I’m ecstatic that we actually stuck to our plan. No oops, no giving up, just straight with the plan. We both agreed on the plan and while I’m pretty sure I do not want to be pregnant again, or to go through labor again, or postpartum depression again, I’m sad that we are actually done. There will be no more babies for us. No more heart beats, no more feeling the baby kick, no more meeting a baby, daddy cutting the cord, first diapers, sleepless nights and baby coos. And while some of those things made me or is making me misserable. It’s also making me want to run and tell him not to get it done. I change my mind. Because the thought of not having that ever again is pretty terrifying. It’s like something is being taken from me. Even though I’m willingly giving it up. 

This probably doesn’t make any since seeing that it’s not even me going through it. Hubs is. The only thing he’s worried about is the 1% chance of something happening and he ends up on the blue pill. Men I tell you.

What is wrong with me? Maybe because I’ve always had something big in life to look forward to. And I guess I don’t know what that next big thing in my life is gonna be is what’s getting me? What comes after having babies? We never made a plan for after 35. I like plans and goals and now without this I’m gonna be flapping in the breeze. 

I guess I’ll figure it out. I’m nervous as all get out about it. 

At least I’ll always have this. This place helped me through postpartum depression. It was here when I didn’t think I would get through that. So maybe writing today will show me where I’m to go after this? I’ll just follow the words above and take it a baby step at a time. Wish me luck

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Thought of the day 2

Thought of the day…. if a person is medically declared dead when they no longer have brain activity, why do we have laws declaring someone living at the first sign of a heart beat? If life is based on brain activity then technically life doesn’t begin until 24 weeks inside the womb. 24 weeks – 26 weeks is about the time a baby can survive outside of the womb…… something to think about

Robbed

So many of you know that we have welcomed a new bundle of joy. We have a new little boy in our lives and I’m telling you I’m loving every min of it.
How am I doing? I’m doing GREAT! My spirits high. Now granted I’m only on day 5 of this, but I feel great. Now I do have some aches, I did birth a baby. And I tore and had bleeding that needed stitches. Those are pretty tender. My nipples hurt, because baby just wants to nurse all night. But all of this comes with giving birth.
My emotions though are doing freaking AWESOME!
Which is surprising to me. I don’t want to come of as bragging, because I have been there, but

Ahhhhhh!!! YES YES YES!!!

This whole time I’ve been SO SO worried that I was going to experience the hell that is PPD. I have done so many things to prevent it from cursing this my family and I, but even then I had my reservations. Yet here I am, with no sleep, and I’m the non grumpy one in the house.

I feel robbed!

This is what I was suppose to experience when lil was born! This is what dare I say “normal” feels like? I can tell the difference. I remember so vividly how I felt on this day 3 years ago. I was a complete wreck. Full of all the tears, rage, lack of motivation, and FEAR. I feel robbed that I didn’t get to experience this happiness with lil. That he didn’t get to have this complete mom that baby has. It was not fair. And I’m angry at those who told me that oh it was just baby blues. Making me live with it thinking it would just go away.

I’m here to say NO IT WAS NOT BABY BLUES. And shame on you for telling me it was, to just suck it up.
What I had was real and should have never been looked over.

Now I’m not jumping the gun. I do understand that I’m only on day 5. So we really don’t know. And I’m not going to just stop taking my medications because of this feeling. I’m gonna keep working, fighting, praying to stay healthy. I at least know the signs, know where to go, and what to do, to get help. I know the people who are my support.
I’m excited that we have been out in public and I’m not ready to buckle down and hermit this time. That I’m not having major paranoid thoughts. This makes me hopeful that this may not happen this time around?

All I can do is have hope and faith.

We shall see.

I’m still hanging in there. Taking one baby step at a time.

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The big 3 0

So today is my birthday. I’m a big 30 years old. I didn’t know how I would feel about this. If you asked me say 6 months ago, I would have been freaking out. Mostly of fear. Fear of what it means to be 30. Am I ready to be
Today, however, I’m ready to walk into the shoes of thirty.
While camping I had a conversation with my hubs about it. His question was

“Have you completed everything you wanted to by this age?”

Without too much hesitation I can say

YES

Which is funny because if you asked me when I was 20 this would have not been what I wanted….. Now…. This is EXACTLY where I wanted to be.
I’m married to the man of my dreams, my best friend. My soulmate. I completed school and have my bachelor’s, I even found a career that I loved doing. I have a beautiful, smart, funny, loving 2 1/2 y/o son who brings me joy everyday. Who brought me to my true calling in life. I now drive a car that is not from the 90’s. (miss you Sherman) and I have a sweet little baby on the way who my son calls baby Duck. So yes I’m exactly where I want to be at thirty.
I feel strong, healthy most days. I feel wise, now that I have learned from my mistakes, and able to continue to learn. I feel like a sexy feisty woman. I’m happy with my skin/body, which took a while. I don’t feel like I’m searching for myself. I feel like I know who I am, and what I stand for. I’m confident in myself most days.
Yup thirty is right for me. I feel my age, and what a beautiful age it is.

On to 40!!! Which hopefully should easier? Only thing left on that list is a place of my own and one more kid. I can do it…. Right?…..

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Mother’s Day part 2

This Mother’s Day was the complete opposite for me. I feel like last year I was really foolish I just didn’t get it. PPD robbed me last year of seeing the big picture. Which saddens me. Because I’m not that person. I don’t usually think like that, but that’s the life of having a mental illness. I read my post from last year and could only shake my head. I was in a bad place, and didn’t even see it. Being in that place took the joy of the day away. But there are no regrets just lessons learned.
This year I stayed away from most of the triggers and that turn out was SO much better.
Our financial situation hasn’t changed. We are still broke, and the lil money we did have I used on other’s Mother’s Day presents. Leaving my husband again with nothing.
And even though I felt that anger build up in me I pushed it away. It would not rob me this year!! My sweet boy made me a picture for Mother’s Day. And even if it was the work of a 2 y/o for some reason it was just wonderful. I absolutely LOVED it. My hubs spoiled me. No I didn’t have a spa day at some fancy place.. But what I got was better than anything he could have gotten me. He gave…

me a day off.

Do you know how grand that is?!!

My poor hubs told me..

do you know how creative, how wonderful I could make Mother’s Day if we had money? Just $100 even?

But what he doesn’t get is that he DID Make Mother’s Day wonderful! Having a day to lay on the couch and read, watch t.v. And nap is a mom’s dream come true!! And I realize that this year. I didn’t have to think about what lunch was or dinner. I didn’t have to clean up that mess. When lil one wanted something I didn’t have to get it. I didn’t really have to discipline him. Oh and the nap let me tell you.
I stare longingly at the couch wishing I was spread on it and could be their for hours.
Mother’s Day I got to do just that. Perfect!

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Dinner was YUMMY! Best part was I didn’t have to do the dishes!!
Y’all I even got some rocking parent sex! And though I did share part of my bath time with lil one. This chic didnt have to cut it short to get him dressed

SCORE!

This was a Killer Mother’s Day! I am so very appreciative of my husband for giving me this day. He is truly my angel!
I felt so celebrated and loved that if I would have gotten something it wouldn’t have compared to the rest.
For my darling hubs please know that this was THE best day I could have ever asked for. Thank you so much for making it happen. I am so much more in love with you.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you were celebrated and love like I was.

Excuse me for a min

Ok my mind is racing 1000 mph! I feel so overwhelmed by life lately. My mood is up and down up and down. It’s worse in the night though, when I have time to think.
I’m pretty sure I need to go see my doc to talk about my meds, but we don’t have the money for that right now.

So I suffer

Life is good for me. My little boy is just sprouting both physically and mentally. My hubs is doing great things at his job and is even working on balancing home and life better.

So what the hell is wrong with me?

I don’t have a clue? One min I’m excited for life, my heart is spilling with love. The next I’m sitting here hating life not knowing who I am. Wanting to be someone else.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Twice this week I’ve not wanted to do anything but lay around. I don’t, mostly because lil one will not stand for it, but I want to.
I was people watching today at the library and this mom was so calm with her three boys and in return they were sweet little boys. All I could think about was I wish I was her. My boy is so sweet and so loving. I want to be that calm with him. He deserves that!

What is wrong with me.

Every night this week I’ve drank camomile tea to help calm my brain. It’s working a little bit, but I’m sick of these feelings running rapid. I want peace.

I love my life, I love what I have made of it I love what I do, I love who’s in it…. So why am I dare I say it…. Unhappy?

What is wrong with me?

Lord please help me get over this bump. Please let me enjoy the beauty you have placed in my life. I place it in your hands. Please heal me from the inside out. In you name I pray.

Thinking

So hubs has a business meeting with some potential new clients. His boss and him are taking them to dinner and a hockey game. And I’m gonna admit that I’m jealous. Not about the hockey game. I could care less. although I do think it would be cool to go to a game I don’t know much about it anyways.
What I’m jealous about is what he’s doing. Taking clients out… Being an adult. 5 years ago this is what I thought I would be doing..
Don’t get me wrong now I love love being at home, taking care of my lil guy. It was and still is the right decision for us. I guess I want to be important. I want my job to matter. When people ask me what I do I get that sympathy

oh good for you, so strong

bull. It makes me feel not important. Like I’m just a bum.
I’m proud of my hubs. This could mean big things for him. And he did check with me first and I did encourage him to go, I’m just having a hard time.
So I’m gonna have a date night with lil one. I think he will like it and I won’t feel so lonely.
I hope all goes well with this meeting. I’m gonna have fun with lil one. We may even eat ice cream for dinner yum

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Stay at Home 2013

January officially marks 1 year of being a sahm (stay at home mom), and you know what? I feel like I really got the hang of it. This is exactly where, and what I’m suppose to be doing with my life. It feels really right.

A year ago I was so uncertain. So many questions. Is this the right step for my family?

Am I making the right decision?

What about all the school work I did?

The loans I took out?

Of course the dreaded M word.. money. How are we going to really survive off one income? Can we?

Well a year later I’m here to say it truely was the right decision for my family. We are So much happier, healthier, and loving than we were when I worked. Lil one is thriving and growing so much. He’s such a smart little boy. He’s far beyond where he would be if he was in daycare. He knows his ABC’s 123,s (1-10) He can spell his name, and that list just goes on. He’s so loving and so happy that he gets to be home with me. We are planning on home schooling him also. There are so many reasons for this which is another post, but It’s because I’m a sahm I get to do this. I’ve been able to teach him so much. And with that, my degree IS being used. So college wasn’t a complete waste. I don’t think he would be where he is developmental wise if I wasn’t able to be home. Don’t get me wrong. There are daycares out there that are really good, and teach all kinds of things. The daycare lil one was at was a wonderful daycare, but since it was an hourly daycare, and lil one was there at the end of the day, he wasn’t getting the learning part of it. He just didn’t seem to like it. Besides I adore the bond we have. At times it can be challenging, but I love the fact that I’m the center of his world. I love the fact that he’s a mommy’s boy, and that in his eyes, there is no other woman. one day that wont be true.

Don’t get mad, I’m not by no means knocking parents and kids who do work and do go to daycare…This is just MY point of view for MY family. All kids and all families are different and therefore not created equal either.

That nice lovely word money. I really really do HATE that word! I understand it’s what runs the world, but it shouldn’t run our lives. It’s been hard. Ok its been very hard and trying, to live off one income. We make it work though. We can’t go out and do everything we use to do, which took some getting use to, We only get to eat out twice a month, but that’s ok. We have figured out ways to save. We got rid of cable, I cook everyday, we make things homemade, I price match… There is a long list to this, but we do what we have to with the money we have.

Through all of this, I am so much happier. I feel like I have found my nitch in this world. Where and what I’m ment to do. I’ve always been good with kids, doesn’t matter the kid, it’s just what ive been good at. And this way I get to take that trait and mold MY son into hopefully a loving, smart, hardworking man. And I love that feeling. I’m so in love with my husband. Call me old fashion but I love taking care of him. Having dinner ready for him after a long day, packing his lunch. And OMG the sex. The sex is AWESOME!! We are exploring things we haven’t even thought about in the past (Thank you 50 Shades). I get to do things that I like to do. If you would have asked me a year ago what type of person I was, it would have been the total opposite of who I am today. I have found that I’m a lot more whats the word… crunchy, hippy, homestead  I don’t know, but I love love making things. Homemade soaps, cleaners, breads, desserts, dinners. I love it. I’m into crafting, farming, canning, preserving. Love it. Put me on a homestead I could make it. I didn’t know I had these things in me. I didn’t know this was me. And it is!!!

A year from now who knows what I’ll be into, but I wouldn’t have had these opportunities if I wasn’t a sahm. Making that decision was the right thing for me. To those moms who are thinking about the switch or who have just started, I know how scary it is, but with a little time and patience you too will find your way. A year from now you will be me. Good luck, You can do it!

 

Living the life I have

“when you have little it hurts more when you lose it” quote from a movie I just watched called A House Of Our Own it was a good movie. Has the lady from misery in it and for some reason I can think of her name…something Bates… Yeah don’t got it. It’s about a widow who has to take care of her 6 kids. She leaves California and moves them to this shack in Idaho to start over. They use every penny they have to fix up this house. And well I’m not gonna tell you the rest but I liked it. It hit a tone with me. Because lets face it we aren’t well off. A choice we made, but it is the truth. We don’t go on family vacations, the last vacation I took was my honeymoon. We don’t eat at fancy resurants. Red Lobster is fancy and that’s a special treat I don’t own a name brand clothing item unless it was a gift, and well my car is the first car I ever own (98) and the speedometer is on the fritz. We don’t get any government assistance either. So that movie I understood it. And the losing part yeah.. I wanted to cry over a $6 garden hose that someone stole. And yeah u are saying its only $6, but for us it was a luxury item and it takes lots of pennies to get that.
The thing is I’m happy. Besides the money part I’m more wealthy than the wealthy. I have the love of a man who woman would dream about having. A man who wakes up and the only thing he wants that day is for me to be happy. Most people would pay for that. And I also have the love of a son. A lil boy who loves his mama and everyone knows it. And that right there makes me wealthy.
My hubs and I grew up in two different worlds. He from a well off family and me yeah not so much. Yet I had the better childhood. It’s because we never made money an issue. Now it’s taken my hubs a while to realize that his parents are rich not him, but he’s got it. And money is only a big thing if you let it be.
I know that unless we win the lotto, we may always just be making it. But that’s fine with us. My son is a very happy boy, with two happy parents who love him and love each other. To me that’s what it’s all about. The rest will fall in its place.

Oh I remembered Katherine Bates. Right?

The $h!t hit the fan

Ok since I’m up I might as well do something right?
Let’s just say I’m not doing well. So much so that I have finally called the doc and have an appointment for next week.
I have been faking really bad. I have been trying to be the strong one and I just can’t do it any more.
Bring on the tears already. Dang it I feel like a girl
Anyways I have had really really bad insomnia for two weeks straight now. Lil one is sleeping fine, me I’m still up. Till 6 am. U would think I would be tired… Which I guess I am but here I again night 15 3:20 am and I’m up. And you know it’s really starting to affect my ppd. Bad. Like I feel like I did before I was diagnosed. Last week every night I had panic attacks for no darn reason. This week I’m so down in the dumps. I hate to world, and I’m sick of being the nice girl.
Then last night happened. And that’s why I called the doc.
Last night at 5 am still no sleep crazy thoughts popped in my head. Like I’m a horrible mom and lil one needs a different mom because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to be a mother for him. Then I started to become numb to him. And I love him more than life. Then my OCD kicked in.
The curtain isn’t closed right, are the doors locked, where’s the dogs, fix the couch pillows
Do you want to die? What huh where the heck did that come from? No I don’t want to die… Do I? Snap the fuck out of it.
I ran to my hubs and woke him up right after that. Before I continue I just want to say that I have the most amazing husband. Who is so understanding
I told him what was going through my head. It took a while, I was really nervous cause I just don’t ever think like this. He being the incredible man that he is told me everything I needed to hear.
You are an amazing mom. Lil one adores you.
I love you so much please know that. You are needed and wanted. Lil one needs his mommy and I need my wife. And he just held me.
I promised him I would call the doc and I did. I left twitter for most of the day and just hung out with my amazing son and I plan on it again tomorrow ( well today ) going to the beach if I can get some sleep.
Hubs went to his first karate class and I’m so happy for him. It was a childhood dream and all I could think about is he’s gonna make new friends and leave me behind. And now here I am up again. Did I tell u with my ppd I have paranoia? We were at the park walking on a path. Lil one was sleep on my back in the carrier and I had the bigger dog. (lil dog pulled a muscle chasing geese so he’s resting) and I was so on guard. So worried that someone was going to try and hurt us.
Someone please tell me what is happening? I thought that I should be getting better. Right? How am I gonna have another kid if I don’t get better? Is this a forever thing? Can someone please tell me the answers. I thought PPD was a hormone imbalance. Am I wrong? If so shouldn’t I be getting better? It’s been almost 20 months since I had lil one. I guess those are questions I should ask the doc. Which by the way I’m totally nervous about talking to. What if I tell her this and she tries to take my baby? Or they want to lock me up? Can they?