So this is happening 

Before I start I want to introduce you to Baby Steps newest baby feet. 

Born 9/10/17 our newest member came soring in, to complete our family. I am a mommy of 3 beautiful boys. WOW! 

His birth story is soon to come. 


Tomorrow at 1:40 my husband is getting a vasectomy. I sit here 12 hours before with mixed emotions. It’s officially the end of this era for us. I’m very surprised to be feeling this way to tell you the truth. 

You see we had a plan. Married by 25, three kids, three years apart, before I was 35. And we completed all of that. I’m ecstatic that we actually stuck to our plan. No oops, no giving up, just straight with the plan. We both agreed on the plan and while I’m pretty sure I do not want to be pregnant again, or to go through labor again, or postpartum depression again, I’m sad that we are actually done. There will be no more babies for us. No more heart beats, no more feeling the baby kick, no more meeting a baby, daddy cutting the cord, first diapers, sleepless nights and baby coos. And while some of those things made me or is making me misserable. It’s also making me want to run and tell him not to get it done. I change my mind. Because the thought of not having that ever again is pretty terrifying. It’s like something is being taken from me. Even though I’m willingly giving it up. 

This probably doesn’t make any since seeing that it’s not even me going through it. Hubs is. The only thing he’s worried about is the 1% chance of something happening and he ends up on the blue pill. Men I tell you.

What is wrong with me? Maybe because I’ve always had something big in life to look forward to. And I guess I don’t know what that next big thing in my life is gonna be is what’s getting me? What comes after having babies? We never made a plan for after 35. I like plans and goals and now without this I’m gonna be flapping in the breeze. 

I guess I’ll figure it out. I’m nervous as all get out about it. 

At least I’ll always have this. This place helped me through postpartum depression. It was here when I didn’t think I would get through that. So maybe writing today will show me where I’m to go after this? I’ll just follow the words above and take it a baby step at a time. Wish me luck

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Change

First off I want to apologize for not posting in a long while. Life. As the boys get bigger I find that I’m more and more busy. I usually write once everyone is asleep and the house is quiet, but I’ve found that I crash myself, sometimes before they fall asleep. And if I’m not crashing I’m getting time with my hubs. 

Anywho something has been on my mind and I know once I write it down I’ll be able to put it out. 

A person whom I thought was close to us ended up mad at us over the stupidest thing, which is fine, people are allowed to have their feelings. I just don’t have to agree with them, or apologize for it. They tried to make a jab at me.  So they said that my husband that he had changed since he met me. Like it was a bad thing. At first it kinda took me aback. You know the more I’ve thought about it, and talked with hubs about it, and prayed about it; they were absolutely right. He has changed since meeting me. I’ve changed since meeting him. And I’m glad that we have. He was 19 and I was 20 when we met. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 8, and parents for 5. I would hope that we have changed; that we’ve evolved since then. That’s human nature. Could you imagine if we still acted like we were in our early 20’s now? 

The statement about him changing since he’s met me, makes me proud.  If they think his change was for the worse, It shows just how little they knew/know him. I won’t tell his story, I’ll leave that to him, but when I met him, he was headed down a bad path. One that could have ended very badly. And that was a deal breaker for me. (Watch requiem for a dream to know the path) Now look at him. I’m so proud of the man he’s become. Working hard for our family. Loving his boys, being the best father for them. 

Loving me.

 Fighting the world for a future our boys deserve. 

The boy I met many years ago would have never done half the things the man today can do.  That man isn’t anyone’s puppet, is strong, very intelligent, funny as hell, but most of all loving. I cringe at what kind of change they expected him to be. 

Notice I say loving many times. 

Why? 

The person I met 12 years ago was afraid to have kids because he didn’t think he could love them. The man today wakes and sleeps loving our sons. If that doesn’t show you the type of “change” he has went through then I don’t know what will. That change is why I’m so very much if no even more in love with him. 

Change is a beautiful thing. Everything changes. If you don’t THAT’S when you have problems. With that I leave you this: 

  

The prize

Last year I participated in a labyrinth walk at church. It was a rough year. Our electric got turned off, and we had to seek help from our lovely church to provide a thanksgiving dinner for us. This made me question the decision about staying home. Maybe I should at least get a part time job. We wouldn’t have to worry about money.
But when I finished this walk; God had spoke to me. He told me to stop… This is the exact path I’m supposed to be on. He never said it would be easy but it’s what he/she wants me to do.

Last month my baby boy got really sick. Was put in the ICU. And we’re there for ten days. I was able to be by his side for all ten days.

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Now hubs was able to be there, but he did have to go into work 2 days and bring work to the hospital another day. I remember telling him that I was glad I didn’t work. Missing 10 days would have gotten me replaced. And there was NO way I would have not been there. I didn’t like leaving the hour a day to come home and shower.

Next My sweet 10 month old took his first steps yesterday (dec 8th 2014). The first was while I was on the phone working out details with my sister. I thought it was just a fluke. One step from one couch to another.
The next was no fluke. He stood up and took four steps to his brother. Four steps!!! Lil even saw it happen.

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I was reminded once again this is the right path. My poor hubs is in Boston on a business trip. If he wasn’t there he would have been home to see. I finally got baby boy to do it again so I could video it, but it’s not the same as the first. I would have been absolutely devastated if I would have missed it. If someone else would have gotten to see that first.
Now it’s not always flowers and candy. It’s hard hard work, and teething, and 4 year olds who don’t listen make it even harder. There is no sick days or paid vacations. But the reward of seeing these firsts, and being able to be there when they need me without worrying….
It’s worth more than anything.

Closer

I’m laying on a hard pull out couch and you on a plastic rolling recliner. You are holding my hand. You look over and say I love you.
My hair’s a mess, I haven’t showered in two days, yet for some reason you still say I’m sexy.
This is not how I imagined we would be spending our 6th wedding anniversary. Our boy got really sick, I was scared, and you were there. My unwavering rock. Your work needed you, big things were happening, yet family came first and you were here. I can’t believe you were here. I’m so thankful you were here. You held me together when I was ready to crumble so that I could be strong for our boy.

When we said our vows we said for better for worse for richer for poor. Although we never been rich in money I know we are rich in love. From day one we always said “As long as we have each other we can get through anything.” And once again that was true.
We are strong when we are better, but the worse has brought us closer. Closer than we have been in a while. This worse has made me look at you in new eyes. Eyes that make me love you more than I thought impossible.
So as you stroke my messy, in need of a freshening hair, I just want to say

Happy Anniversary my sweet! I love you!

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Colic really?

Never thought it would happen to me.

Here I am. I have a baby with colic. He’s so gassy that he’s in pain. Pain that causes him to cry, squill, scream! And there is nothing nothing I can do until he passes that gas.

So I rock, and sing, and walk, and dance him. Trying anything everything to help him. Leg roles, bicycle kicks, tummy rubs, burps… Lots and lots of burping.

The crying continues, the screaming continues.

Does he know I’m here, does he know I love him, does he know we aren’t a CIO family and I would never ever just let him cry. Does he know how badly I want him to feel better.

Mama wants to take away the pain, mama would put you back inside so you never had to go through this.

I love breastfeeding but right now I HATE it. I know it’s causing him gas.

Maybe I should suck it up and give him Form….. Who am I kidding we can’t afford that.

No sleep and the dark starts seeping in. All that I did to prevent this and here it is slipping through the crack.. The crack of colic.

So right now we are crying, both of us. Crying cause he hurts. Crying for calm. Crying for sleep, crying

Laughter because I’ve gone crazy

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Sleeping, watching, love

Lying in bed watching my son sleep. He sleeps just like me. With his eyes cracked open. It’s peaceful, and I don’t want to break that peace. Cause once I do he will be back to his independent threenager self.
Right now he’s back to being the baby who can’t sleep without me. He’s gotta be touching me. A hand, a foot, something always touching me, so that he knows I’m still here. What drives some crazy in bed including my hubs I bask in.

He still needs me. He still needs his mama.

When he starts to toss and turn it just takes me laying my hand on his back, and he immediately settles.
In this moment I’m in my little piece of heaven. He doesn’t know it, but just as he needs me, I need him. This is all the reassurance I need to get me through the day. To let me know that I’m doing good as a mama, as HIS mama.

Unfortunately I have to break this peace because baby Duck is pressing on my bladder, and kicking me because it doesn’t want me laying in this position. But I shall remember this peace when he is driving me batty today, and I feel like I’ve failed some kind of way.

He loves me, he needs me, and he is happy. That’s all that matters.

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A lot of Love and Faith

This month has been a really trying month. Things are being thrown at us all at once it seems.
The life style we have choice to live has shown us really what it could and will be. And I’m telling you now I have wavered. I really truly have. I say all the time that the way we live many people couldn’t wouldn’t do it. And this month has given me times where I wasn’t sure if I could do it.
Then after my moment of panic. I sit and just listen. And listen again… And I realize with greater faith than I had before that, YES, this was/is the right path for us.
Being at home taking care of my family, educating my kids, loving my husband is what I KNOW I was put on this earth to do. God wouldn’t have filled my heart with this much love if it wasn’t. sorry I went religious
This month has been a struggle. Bigger than the previous ones, but through these struggles have came big rewards.
This house for example. No it’s not ours, but it feels like it. And knowing that we will have a roof over our heads is a feeling that is so humbling. Through this, my MIL and I are becoming more closer. I think she understands me more, and she knows that I only have unconditional love for her son.
This past week we ran into some MAJOR financial issues and trying to explain to my son why things are happening was very heart breaking as a mom. Because who wants to look into those eyes and say we don’t have any money. That’s was hard for me. And I know he doesn’t understand fully but it really broke my heart and made me second guess this path. Hubs and I figured it out, and our family is closer from this. And today lil took our hands while we were window shopping and sung a I love my mommy I love my daddy song. I could have cried. Tonight when he thought I was going to work he made it clear that he didn’t want me to go. Not unless he was going with me.. I know this is the right path. I’m doing something right
Tonight we were hit with some news that we weren’t expecting. That really upset me. As I sat in the bath in tears hubs came and held my hand. Told me “it’s ok, maybe it’s time to start a new tradition. We have each other we can do this.” He’s SO right we do have each other. We have a funny, smart, trying, loving, wonderful, 3 year old who knows that he is very much loved. And besides the regular3 year old things, he is a very happy boy. We have a baby growing and kicking inside of me. Who is healthy, and is already showing their personality. And we have this incredible love between us that many could only dream of having.
I have a husband that is my rock, my security, who gives me strength, and courage. Who gives me unconditional love, and makes me so incredibly happy.
So I think he’s right. Maybe it’s time to start our own tradition. Can’t depend on others to make us happy. So we shall make our own happiness.
With that knowledge I have almost figured it out…besides this new tradition will only bring us closer.

I’m learning, all it takes is love and faith.

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Been a while.

I know it’s been a while. July has been so busy. We are moving today, to a smaller place, but hell it’s a house with our very own yard. Dream come true. Also I was a guide at my church’s vacation bible school. Which I LOVE doing, just the timing was bad with the move. Top it all off I had my nephew. Which I thought was going to be ok, he could entertain my son…. Wrong this ended up being a curse. Those two did nothing but fight. And all that fighting caused me to have increased heart palpitations. Now I get them every once in a while, but this was constant. Which worried me, because while pregnant with my son I got fluid around my heart. It went away a week after he was born. No side affects from it and was told it was just one of those things that comes with pregnancy, but the palpitations did worry me some. They have since calmed but that was a worry.
remind me to finish up my post about lil birth, before this baby comes
Several people have asked me if I’m ready for two children? And you know… I am. Really am. I don’t know if its because I haven’t REALLY had time to think about it, or I’m living in denial, but I’m ready. Lil is SO good with babies. He is very gentle with them, nice touches, soft voices. Seeing him with babies makes my heart melt. And I know I have enough love for this baby and my lil one.
Now I’m not saying this is going to be a piece of cake. There will be tough times, but hell there are tough times with just lil one. But I’m really ready. I’m ready to expand this family. To keep my hubs last name going. After all we are the last. And I know I’ll be the best mommy of two I can be.
People say having my nephew was like a test. And I say they are wrong. One; baby will be here everyday. No seeing each other every once in a while. there will be only one getting use to each other period. Two; baby and nephew are being brought up under two different parenting styles. Therefore they have two different reactions to situations. And to top it off nephew is essentially the only child. There are personality traits that only children have. I’m not saying its bad, but there are just different traits. Baby duck is being born into a family with a big brother who is only three years older. So nope not the same.
I’m pretty sure the usual second child worries will hit me.. Maybe?
The only thing I’m worried about is that this baby is growing and strong. I have had some friends in my life loose babies while babies were inside. And I can’t imagine what they are going through. I’m so paranoid about that right now. I can’t feel baby move so I don’t really know what’s going on in there.
I’m also worried about delivery. I know I know I have some months still, but I still worry. Lil’s delivery wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. Not anything close to what I wanted. Or thought would happen. And I’m just worried that because it will be a hospital birth again, that choices will be taken away from me again. I know I could have a home birth, but hubs and I just aren’t ready for that. Maybe with third? But not this time.
So that’s it. That’s my worries. What were your 2nd baby worries? Did you have many, where they your typical worries or different?

Well on to get dressed so I can get this move underway.

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5 weeks- 7 weeks

Sitting here crocheting you a blanket it’s not much now but I hope I’ll finish it before you get here.

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It took me forever to complete your brother’s but hey first child, first time crocheting…
I’m listening to classical music. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Have the speaker to my pelvis. I know you have no ears yet but I thought maybe this will help your cells do what they gotta do.
what are we listening to?
The classical piece to Lord of the Rings. It was a great movie that I’m SURE you dad will show you. A bit too long for me, but I do enjoy the orchestral side of it. mama is a Harry Potter girl


My phone bings.. It’s my pregnancy tracker… You’re five weeks! Tears swell in my eyes. I’m so in love with you already it scares me. So afraid that something could be wrong. And I want you so badly. I’m afraid to get too attached because you’re only 5 weeks. Still in the very scary zone. I mean until you are placed on my chest ill worry, but more so now. I hope you are ok.
Hehe your daddy is snoring beside me

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And your brother is watching Thomas the Train. You will learn about him soon enough.
I hope your brother is sleeping.
Anywho I love you sweet one. Keep growing, and stay healthy and strong!

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6 weeks:
So glad to be this far, but damn!!! The morning sickness is HERE!! I was not this sick with lil one. Nausea yeah, but this is horrid! I’m throwing up nauseated all the time. NO BUENO! This is a girl! Causing all this trouble. Oh and the exhaustion!!! I could seriously sleep all day. I’m a lil nervous. It’s Monday and hubs goes back to work. He’s been taking care of me so wonderful this weekend since I got hit with this, and now it will be me and lil one. When will I nap? And what happens when I feel so bad I can’t move and lil one wants to do things? I’m worried. And I can’t even ask y’all for help cause no one knows except dr, hubs, lil one. Two weeks and if all is well (heart beat and all) we will be sharing. Until then ill be over here pretending to be normal. When did you share the news?

I swear this child hates me! The sickness is horrible!!! What the heck did I know with the first? Ill do that 1st trimester again…. Minus the kidney stones… But goodness woke me up last night I felt so bad, and it feels like ill be doing this again tonight. I swear this is gotta be a girl. Lil one didn’t put me through this. And food…. I’m hungry and craving things like steak, pickles… But as soon as the plate is in front of me… It’s a no go. And to prepare the food.. Man oh man. A good chef ALWAYS tastes their food, how am I going to do that when tasting makes me run to the bathroom??

It is 2:45am and I want to sleep. Lil one is sleep hubs is sleep and I’m EXHAUSTED! Why am I still up you ask? Because mean girl (I really think its a girl) won’t let me. What could something the size of a seed possibly be doing? Making me sick as a dog. I’m so nauseous it’s not funny. And when I try to puke I get nothing. Miss thang mama wants sleep. Please…

Happy 7 weeks my sweet baby. Mama loves you so much even when you are making her sick

I think the worst part is not being able to talk to anyone. Because no one knows. My hubs just don’t get it. I’m so exhausted! Growing a baby is not easy. And I’m taking care of a 2 1/2 year old. I need an hour nap and he just don’t get it. Ugh

It’s hot man!! When I did this before I didn’t have my first trimester in the summer. The heat ain’t no joke. And as much as I HATE water, it’s became my best friend. So it seems that when ever I’m pregnant I hurt myself. With lil one it was both knees, now with this one I’ve managed to break some toes. Shaking my head!

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Tomorrow is the big day to see your heart beat. I’m so excited/nervous i don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. I hope all is well in there. I’m guessing it is with all this nausea, but well you’ll soon realize that mommy is one who always is waiting for the next shoe to fall. I love you my sweet see you tomorrow.

I know where babies come from

Well I guess I really do know where babies come from.
In that post I was feeling what I thought were PMS. At least that’s what my PMS feels like.
I was wrong. I’m pregnant!!!! Ahhh. It’s really crazy. Just when I think The Lord is giving me an answer one way he gives it to me another.
I’m still in shock. I know that I’ve been praying hard on this, but the fact that it happened I’m in aww. I’m so excited about it, that it doesn’t feel real. I’m pinching myself every morning to make sure I’m not having a really good dream.
Already this pregnancy is different than my first. maybe that means its a girl? don’t know we will see in 9 months…. We are a team Green family… Drives everyone crazy but I loved the surprise. The look on hubs face when he came out… Ill never forget it.
I do have a few worries, like they don’t want me using my Xanax… And I hope my PPD doesn’t come back stronger other than that and where ate we gonna live at, I’m pretty good.
I made a promise that I would not complain this pregnancy and by golly I’m gonna try not to. I’m just gonna enjoy this ride. The ups and downs, because it goes so fast and I want to savor every moment.
It will be cool to document here. For lil one I wrote in a journal so this shall be a new adventure.